15 Days

Can’t believe there are 15 days left in the year. Even though I’ve been ready to put 2023 behind me, I’m not ready to walk in to 2024 quite yet. This week was another tough one. I finally reached my breaking point and was starting to lose patience. I’m a week away from holiday break. One would think that work would be winding down but instead it’s been ramping up even more. There’s all this pressure to get all of these hires in. Last minute contract requests filled my queue, promotion letters needed to be drafted before we leave and I still had to be on for department holiday parties, just to name a few things. We had a competition for one of the shindigs. Each team was charged with decorating a holiday house. There was 2 categories we were vying for: most creative and most interactive. My team all wore matching elf hats and one of my colleagues even put together a video to go along with our house. We didn’t win (we were snubbed for obvious reasons, but I’ll cover that in another post). I was impressed by the job we did, so much so that I’m posting it below (minus the elf video).

This week was finals week at school. My group turned in our final project and I have to admit, I am proud of the work we did. We have a finished product that we can present to our respective leadership teams where we work. I’m all for projects that can quickly be applied to one’s everyday life and that’s what ours encompassed. I’m now taking care of a few closing assignments before I am officially done for the semester, so I’m not going to celebrate just yet until I hit “submit” on the last forum post. Even though this course was a lot of fun to take, it required a lot of work and attention. After work, my nights belonged to this class. Sometimes I wonder if I am a glutton for punishment. With my time already being limited by life stuff, I threw myself into another class that I probably could’ve put on the back burner to focus on my well-being and maintain work life balance. I was yearning to learn more so that I can prepare, yet again, to step outside my comfort zone. In Spring, I’ll be taking a programming class and a writing class with a focus on social media. I’m soaking up as much information I can handle.

Another win for me this week: I was finally able to fill a role I have been recruiting for months now. It was probably one of the hardest to fill. Temporary positions with no benefits tend to be difficult to recruit for. I knew when i first got the request, it would be an uphill battle. Usually, I have the hiring managers extend the verbal offers. I wanted to do it myself this time because I wanted to ensure there was no way the candidate would turn it down. I wanted to personalize the experience, show that we were happy to bring them on and answer any questions they may have. I wanted to convey that they were special and it paid off greatly. I want to make sure their onboarding process will be a smooth one. Retention is the goal. One down, 7 more to go!

I want to finish this year off on a high note. My place has been looking really depressing lately. It’s been this way for quite a while actually. Finally rolled up my sleeves to start tackling a room at a time. I’m probably about 30% done but I’m glad I made some progress. That’ll definitely keep me motivated to keep going. The goal is to have my place in order before I leave to visit family for Christmas. There is so much more to do between now and then. The perfect end to my Saturday: feeding the homeless at a men’s shelter tonight. The intrinsic value that it brought me had me on cloud nine. It gave me an extra boost to put my worries aside and instead focus on serving others. I’m grateful for the life I have and the people I have in it. I have to keep reminding myself of this when I start to get sidetracked and down. For most of us, all it would take is the loss of 1 paycheck for us to end up on the street. Stats show that Americans are one paycheck away from poverty. Those of us who are fortunate to be housed take that for granted. It was fulfilling to be able to serve others, something I want to continue to do more of in the new year.

Santa’s Workshop

And Just Like That...

Life goes on. The aftermath of the news from this past weekend continues to unfold. Monday was a weird day. It was business as usual except, despite the fact it was an “all-in” day for most. There should’ve been more chatter, should’ve been more commotion and energy in the air, considering we’re a little over a week away from holiday break. There was an eerie silence that washed over the campus instead. The commute in to work was dreary and chaotic, mostly due to the rain. By the time I parked, the rain had stopped and the sky had cleared. The sun was trying to peek it’s head out. Even through all of that, I saw it. The moment I stepped into the building. Mouths refrained from speaking but eyes were a window to a much deeper truth. People’s glances were screaming. They wanted to speak but instead hesitation seemed to take over. As I walked through the hallways, hushed tones emanating from offices and inaudible whispers filled the air.

Mondays are typically known as “open doors” galore days, with people floating in and out of each others offices but instead, most doors were closed. Those who would emerge from those offices wore blank stares and solemn looks. Instead of the usual smiles, I was met with uneasy glances. I had a leadership meeting and one of the presenters tried to lighten up the mood with innuendo and jest. Instead, they were met with stoicism and furrowed brows. No one was in a laughing mood. The discomfort was resounding. Tight-lipped half smirks and forehead creases were the standard expression throughout the day. I mostly stayed in my office, welcoming the occasional visitor here and there. Only a few dared having the conversation I was yearning to have. Again, behind my closed door in soft whispers. I wondered how long this will last.

Before the afternoon was over, several emails from the administration flooded in to my inbox, in rapid succession it seemed. The topic being a path forward for our organization. New interim leadership had already been named. From an HR perspective, this would be viewed as a great example of succession and transition planning because of how quickly the emergency plan fell into place. Although, due to the rapid nature of it, I highly doubt it was done over night. I can only imagine the number of calls into the wee hours of the night these past few weeks, hashing this plan out, getting buy-in and having to reach unanimous votes. Waiting at the ready for the right moment. I wish I could’ve been a fly on the wall for those discussions. I can only imagine how heated they were in the days leading up to the resignation.

Since I am also a student, the tones of the emails that went out to us were that of “don’t worry, everything is going to be alright”. I sure hope so. After surviving Y2K, a long arduous war abroad spanning decades, a whole pandemic turned endemic, ongoing social justice movements, many losses over the years and all the shifts, twists and turns of life, nothing surprises me anymore. In this case, there’s nothing new under the sun, just events taking different shapes and iterations. All I can do is to keep moving, continuing to grow and develop. Enjoying life and cultivating joy are the main goals. As we see play out day after day, life goes on. If you are gone today, you can be easily replaced tomorrow. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter all the good that you’ve done. There’s always someone else to refute all of it, make it appear like you had no significance. Even make it appear like you never existed. When you don’t control the narrative, they can say whatever they want about you. This is why we can’t dwell on how some people may view us. We have to keep going.

Of course, we may care what those that matter to us think, but other than that, what’s the point? I don’t know about anyone else, I myself am tired of the rat race. What is all this hard work for? Does it truly fulfill us? When I look to those I deeply respect and highly revere, I often ask are they happy and whether they feel they are truly living out their life’s purpose. I think sometimes I forget that I’m still on that journey. Often getting side-tracked by life life’ing. This recent series of events has reminded me to keep going and remember why I do what I do: legacy. What will I be remembered for? I don’t need my name up on billboards. I pray that God allows me to touch just a few hearts and that my impact is felt by a handful of people. I don’t think that’s asking for too much.

I finally took the leap and threw my hat in the ring for a few opportunities. The one thing they all have in common: they will give me the physical freedom I’ve been wanting for a while now. My dream of being a world citizen may soon be realized. I put my imposter syndrome aside (the topic of my most recent podcast episode) and stepped out on faith finally. No more fear dictating my steps. God has gotten me this far, so I can’t start doubting him now. The one opportunity that is at the top of that list of potential prospects would give me global reach. Something I’ve always been hesitant about going after. Well, I finally got on the radar of that global organization, and will get the opportunity to showcase my strengths. I’m a believer that what is meant for you will never miss you. I pray that God will see me through if it’s meant to be.

I was starting to get that feeling of being a big fish in a small pond again. It’s the affirming words of friends that have snapped me out of my cycle of doubting myself. These recent tumultuous events have been nothing short of inspiring. No more holding my breath and telling myself no. I want to live more fully so in order to do so, I have to jump. I have to go where I’m being lead, even when I don’t know the destination quite yet.

Another Rainy Sunday

Woke up feeling like the weather today. I dragged myself out to a friend’s game night last night and indulged to my heart’s content. I was allowed a cheat meal so I went in on the mac and cheese, fried chicken and mini meatballs my friend had made. Of course I chased all of this with a mixed drink. Even though I only had the one, it seemed to go straight to my blood stream. This is what happens when you’ve been eating clean for months and only drink minimally and socially. I had to cut myself off early. We played all kinds of games. Family Feud, Kahoot and a slew of other random games my friend had developed over the years. We played until the wee hours of the morning, played until we got tired and our brains couldn’t function properly. You know you’re tired when you start to lose the games on purpose like I was. After an hour ride back to my home, I crawled into bed ready to sleep the day away.

Last night was awesome. It was the usual crew with a few new faces. I can’t remember the last time we laughed so hard as a group. We were like silly little kids again. One of the games entailed us listening to a short clip of music, the DJ abruptly turning it off and each person having to finish the song in order to get points. I sang my parts off key off course. It didn’t dawn on me until now that this was the first time in over the 9 years I’ve known this crew that I sang out loud solo in front of them. For all those who know me know I dread singing (due to an experience in my childhood) in public. I can’t stand my singing voice. So it shocked me that in the group setting last night, I sang my little heart out and didn’t give a darn who heard me. It felt freeing. To be open and silly and not care of making a complete fool of myself. After all, we all had to do the challenge. And guess what? No one was expecting me to sound like Mariah Carey. The night went on and we continued to giggle like children. There’s something so healing about laughter.

I kept waking up today, kept going in and out of a deep sleep. The pitter patter of the rain all day kept lulling me to back to my dream world. My dreams were so vivid and felt so real. Sleeping for so long only made me more tired, hence why I woke up feeling so drained. My brain had been doing so much heavy lifting last night and in my dreams. I was reminded why it’s not good for me to sleep past 10 hours. When I rolled over one last time before forcing myself out of bed, I had reached for my phone. I wanted to google something that had come to mind and under the Google search bar was a news story that caught my eye. The headline was so jarring: The head of my organization had been forced to resign.

I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of why since it’s an ongoing situation and extremely public. Seems like anyone who dares to speak on the subject and not fall on a particular side of the issue risks being cancelled. I knew the pressure this leader was under but didn’t think they would give up so easily. Then I had to remind myself, when something isn’t really yours there’s always a risk that you’ll lose it. In this case, when you have wealthy stakeholders who are the main reason your institution can do what it does and continue to thrive, if you don’t dance to the beat of their drums, you can be removed easily. Can you imagine, working your hardest and making a name for yourself for decades. Earning the respect of your peers. Working your way to the top of one of the world’s most revered institutions, only to have the rug pulled out from under you for a “mistake” or “misconstruing” of your words? It’s heart breaking and discouraging.

This isn’t the first public disgracing and flogging I’ve seen of a leader I’ve had proximity to. As I compare all of the scenarios, there are stark differences and it brought me back to a popular saying that I’ve heard uttered time and time again throughout my career: “the same people you see on the way up are the same people you will see on the way down”. This is why you need to be mindful of how you treat people. In this most recent news, even though it is a very public situation, I have a feeling that this leader will be okay. Reason being, I’ve heard too many great things about them previously. They were a champion for change and had a grand vision for how to make our organization continue to be better. When I think of the others that were in a similar position, they were only out for themselves. So when they fell, no one came to their rescue. They had no good will to shield them from the blows.

This is one of the many reasons why I’ve always strived to be the best version of myself at every job I’ve held. My goal was always to be a good, compassionate person. From the time I started out in retail as a teenager until now, I’ve never compromised myself professionally, nor have I thrown anyone under the bus. I was never a “mean girl” for the sake of getting in the favor of the higher ups. I remember having 2 of the worst managers who brought me on to a team to lead it. After some months, they started to ask me pointed questions about my colleagues and our other leadership (reported to a department leader outside of them as well). I then realized they were looking for a snitch and I wasn’t having it. When they saw I wouldn’t budge, they hired a part-time temp who they planted in my team’s office who did all the snitching. Well, that temp didn’t last 2 months because she eventually angered the managers. I left some time after that but luckily on my terms. A year later, I heard one of those managers was let go in dramatic fashion. It only affirmed what I’ve always known all along: unless you are an owner, no one’s job is guaranteed. I may not be rich monetarily but I am wealthy with dignity, respect and have my name. No one can take those things away.

As it pertains to this recent resignation, this is a prime example of when you rely on external investors to keep your lights on, they have the ultimate power to decide whether you come and go. This is probably why I have the utmost respect for my parents hustle. They’ve been self-employed and self-sustaining for most of my life. They went against the grain, struggled for years to establish themselves because they never wanted to be in a position where they had to compromise themselves and their morals to have a job. Never wanted to be reliant on anyone and wanted to be in control of their destinies. My father has always tried to get me to join him in the family business, but I was always so hesitant. The idea of having to hustle as hard as they do for no guarantees and lack of stability for what I need scares me. I want a guaranteed paycheck and benefits, especially since I have responsibilities that require consistency. I go back and forth about it though. There’s nothing more freeing then not having to rely on anyone to have your needs met. I want to get to a place where I can be self-sustaining and not have to sell my soul or sacrifice my well-being to do so.

Everything That's Purposeful Requires Connection

As I wrap up my class project, I’m sitting here, letting my mind wander. YouTube is playing in the background but I’m distracted. This week has been really draining and it’s not over yet. My stress levels have been on 10. Today wasn’t so terrible but that’s only because I had outlets to distract me when I needed to take a beat. I’m trying to prepare mentally for tomorrow. How I start and end the week will be integral to how the weekend pans out. I quickly peeked at my work email to make sure I didn’t have anything pressing waiting for me first thing in the morning. I don’t see anything urgent awaiting me so I can workout early in peace before I start work tomorrow. Thank goodness.

In my last post, I wrote about starting to prep to try dating again. I quickly got off the dating app as I was updating it the last time because my mind and heart weren’t in it. Today, I found myself back on it, more-so to finish updating my bio. I still need to add more photos but the hardest part is at least done. I wanted to be mindful about the energy I was giving off in it. These past couple of days I’ve been giving it some more serious thought. Anytime I’ve been disappointed or gotten hurt, I’d chuck up the deuces and bow out from dating for years at a time. I’m always getting back into it after a long hiatus, which probably isn’t the right way to navigate through life. Sometimes I wish I could be more like men. You break up today and by Wednesday they’re already back out there, wreaking havoc on another unsuspecting soul. I don’t ever want to turn anyone into my collateral damage, so I stay away to heal, reassess and recalibrate. As I thought about it today, I realized I may have been doing myself a disservice by “logging off” for so long.

These days, there’s all this talk about dating with intention. I jumped on that bandwagon a while back but for the past several years, I’ve added that I’m dating with purpose. It’s not just about a destination (i.e., marriage), it’s more about finding my person who will continue to grow and build with me, especially as it pertains to our relationship with God and having him be the foundation of our union. Sadly, I’ve been afraid to lead with that for fear that it would turn men away. It seems like this crop of men today considers themselves either “spiritual”, agnostic or atheist. The hardest group to connect with and date has been men who say they are Christian like me. I mention this because I was raised a certain way. Culture and religion was at the forefront of how I was reared. The adults barely talked about what dating was supposed to look like. We were just supposed to know how to carry ourselves once we hit adulthood. Many of us had to learn the hard way, especially being out in the world. It’s one of the reasons why I went on my own spiritual trek at 19. I needed to learn for myself and create my own path. Even at my big ol’ age today, I’m still learning.

As I got older and closer to God, I thought it would be easier to date, especially since I assumed that when men would say they were also Christian, they’d understand where I was coming from. If anything, it made it harder. Whether men were Christian or not, I wasn’t meeting many who were dating with intention, with marriage being the end goal. Even the ones that said they were, really weren’t about that life. I would meet men who weren’t taking dating too seriously (so I would bow out gracefully) or the ones that said they were, had all of these rules and long laundry lists of what they “weren’t going to do” or accept. They were starting out on a negative footing and it wasn’t fun. Imagine sitting on the sidelines for seasons at a time, only to come off the bench to be told you need to jump through hoops of fire to be with someone for bare minimum effort on their part. Being asked to compromise yourself with no guarantees? Who would seriously want that? I’ve been dating shells of men; unhealed men who’ve been hurt so much that by the time they get to me, I’m only left with scraps and remnants of all their relationships past. So this time around, I was ready to sit it out again but then it dawned on me. All of the times I sat out due to hurt and fear were years that I was losing out on finding my person. If I want to date with purpose, I need to be connected. I need to be out here in the arena.

This time will be different though. My boundaries will be on fleek. No rushing into anything without proper vetting. No walls up though, because there is a difference. I feel out of practice already, so I need to start honing my skills. The last person I dated told me that “the other guys will be glad” that I’m now available as if I had a stash of men in a corner somewhere waiting for me to be available so they could pounce. It confirmed that he either didn’t really know me or didn’t care to. Unlike him, I crawled back into the hole I have grown so accustomed to residing in. Not just to lick my wounds but to seriously reflect. I swore off men and threw myself into as many distractions as I could find to keep me busy. I knew his words came from a place of pain and insecurity, which put his sabotaging behavior into perspective. I couldn’t even be mad. By the time he met me, he was probably overrun by what seemed like endless disappointments. There’s no amount of love and care that can heal someone who is intent on leading with fear. I’ve been through worse defeats.

Even though this was probably one of the shortest relationships I’ve had, I probably learned the most lessons. Guarding your heart isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s about being selective and discerning about when you give it away and to who. It’s not enough to hope for the best and to take someone at their word. The actions have to match and be consistent. There is no room for ambiguity. Another lesson: making sure there is a mutual understanding about what dating actually is. Getting to know someone and talking should be a longer period. We both should be “collecting data”. Since faith is extremely important to me, that should be a major part of those discussions. We both should be asking God “is this your absolute best for me?” I keep joking with friends that the next man will have to come find me at home. I’ve peeked my head out and seen what these streets look like and it’s a little scary. Once I get over that, I remind myself that anything worth having takes time and effort to nurture and grow. That goes for friendships, that goes for working relationships, but most importantly, it applies to building real love. I need to be connected in order to have it.

**Edited 12/08/23 after I slept on it and woke up with more on my spirit.

Things Worth Having Take Time

This Saturday, I had set aside time to take care of some tasks I had put off for a while now. One of those tasks being to update my resume and the cover letter template that I tend to use, which highlights all of my accomplishments in past roles. Since I already have a resume from the last time I applied to jobs, I didn’t think it would take me long to make some tweaks here and there. Of course, once I started to work on it, I had to remind myself that it needed to flow and refer back to the job(s) that I am planning on going for. What I initially thought would take me an hour or so, took me close to 3 hours to complete. Having the knowledge of how online Application Tracking Systems (ATS) work, I wanted to make sure I had used all the right key words so that my resume could be easily pulled. I was growing frustrated as I realized that I wouldn’t be able to do any of the other to-do items on my list. Now that I have finished updating both documents, I feel a deep sense of relief. The hard part is over and now I can start using them. One more thing I get to cross off of the December to-do list (yayy!)

I should have the same determination and patience for all of the things that I want to accomplish and attain. What’s that popular saying again, “things worth having take time”? I do agree with that statement overall. However, when you’re going through the process, frustration can build when the timeline you may have set gets stretched out more and more. When you get sidetracked, there’s this sense of failure that takes over. I have to constantly remind myself that a delay doesn’t mean failure (or denial). Before I started my weight loss journey, I had a timeline set in my head for where I would be right now. I’m not so hard on myself that I’m not exactly where I want to be, especially since I am seeing slow progress. My dietician keeps reassuring me that I’m on the right track. “Slow and steady” is the best way she says. According to her, I am more likely to keep the weight off when I lose it gradually. When I’ve done detoxes in the past, I would lose so much weight in a short period of time, but would later gain it all back and then some. As I sit here typing, I am practically swimming in my lounge pants. I’m on par to reach my weight loss goals before April for sure.

Where I’ve grown restless with time is as it pertains to finding “the one”. I took myself off the market several months ago to heal and reflect on what went wrong at my last attempt. I’m feeling a little gun shy to get back out there but I don’t want to make the same mistake of taking myself out the game for too long, like I have in the past. I finally went on the app today to look at my profile and realized it needs work. As I started to update it, I quickly logged off. I didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with it today. Despite feeling that way, I kept thinking that I need to be even more intentional with it. More thoughtful about the message I am conveying with my pictures and words. I put “under construction” in the biography section, changed my main photo to one I took this past Halloween night and logged off. My profile needs a revamp, I need to take new photos for it and I want to make sure I am in a positive headspace when I am working on it. Like a vision board, I want to attract positivity and like-minded individuals who are on a similar journey. I want it to be clear and concise in hopes that those who aren’t serious weed themselves out.

There’s been this trend I keep hearing about from other women of being love bombed and misled. Lots of broken hearts and hopes dashed. I’ve begun to disengage from those conversations so that they don’t negatively impact my thoughts and views. However, my antennas are up and I am more cautious about how I move in these streets. One common theme I keep hearing from those women is that they all rushed into relationships without fully vetting the men they were coupled up with. I’m in no rush and plan to approach this like I have all of the time in the world. There is a reason why I haven’t found my person yet. I need to learn why that is. Recruitment for cuffing season is still upon us and I’m okay with sitting on the bench for now as I brainstorm about my next “plays” in love. I have to keep reminding myself that love worth having takes time, not necessarily to find but to build. It all starts with self-love. I only want to get married once. I know we don’t have any control over that since it takes two. I’m a firm believer that if I/we (future mate) do all of the pre-work, we can avoid the “D” word. Only time and real effort from both parties will tell.

There’s Still Time…

To finish this year strong. There have been moments where I’ve been hard on myself for not achieving all of the goals I had set for the year. I have a crazy long to-do list saved in my phone. It’s not that I haven’t made progress on it, it’s that I keep adding new goals to it. As I was wrapping up my “inclusive leadership” assignment for class last night, it dawned on me that I was being really hard on myself for no good reason. I’ve done so much, all in the midst of dealing with stress, sadness and heartbreak.

Instead of sitting and wallowing, I got even more busy. Probably not a good formula in increasing motivation and drive but it seems to be my shtick lol. After all, I started and completed a whole new masters program after my last big relationship upset several years ago. I haven’t allowed myself the time to fully wallow. Just kept it moving. In the end, it left me more determined to come out stronger and better. That list just keeps getting longer and longer though, so I’ve decided to use these remaining days of 2023 to re-prioritize my remaining goals.

Here’s what I can probably realistically accomplish between now and December 31:

  1. Finish all of my home projects: I want my home to be fully put together before I enter the new year.

  2. Complete the purge of all the material things I no longer need/no longer serve me: physical clutter leads to mental clutter. I want to enter the new year with more clarity.

  3. Revamp my resume: I’m on the hunt for a fully remote position that’ll allow me the flexibility I yearn for in this new season of my life. I want to be around my family more. Plus there’s a whole world out there I want to continue to explore.

  4. Continue to reconnect with all of the people I lost contact with for one reason or another. I’ve known and met some wonderful souls along way. I want to continue to foster the newer connections I’ve formed.

  5. Reach another weight loss goal: between now and my next birthday, I have 5 mini goals I’d like to accomplish. I’ve already accomplished the first one. Trying to keep consistent with my nutrition, fitness and wellness. I now have a blueprint I can bring into the new year that works.

  6. To finish all of the books I started reading but never finished.

  7. Create room for more love in my life. In order to attract genuine love, I realize that I have to be love. The root of that love will be God-centered.

These are just a fraction of a much larger list. I’m giving myself the grace and space along the way, so that even if I don’t complete them all, it’ll be okay. The goal is to finish strong.

Those Three Words

Just when I think there’s nothing else that could surprise me, there are moments that can rock me to my core, leaving me feeling so raw and open, rendering me almost immobile. Another one of those moments occurred Thanksgiving Day. I had spent the afternoon with my mom, chatting and catching up on family stuff and life. As I was gearing up to leave her, she uttered those three little words that I don’t recall her ever saying out loud, that have the power to knock me almost out of alignment: “I love you”.

Anyone who knows what it’s like growing up in a Haitian household knows Haitian parents don’t typically express their love for each other or their children verbally. Not because they don’t feel the emotion, it’s just that culturally, they would rather show you than tell you. My parents showed me and my siblings their love by providing for us, teaching us, protecting us and guiding us. The love was felt, but sometimes I would find myself yearning to hear those words and wonder what my life trajectory would’ve been like had it been expressed outwardly.

Two visits ago (several months prior), when I was in town, the thought had crossed my mind. It was weighing on me heavily. I then decided that I needed to lead by example and say the words first. So when I saw her, before I left her bedside, I said “I love you”. She didn’t say the words back to me and it did hurt not to hear them but I did realize that this was new for her. She had replied with an “um, okay” awkwardly. I tried not to take it personally and gave her some grace. After all, this is new territory for us all. So when she finally said those words out loud, my heart broke open. I wanted to break down sobbing but I knew she would’ve probably kicked me out of her room lol. She couldn’t see my expression, which was probably for the best. I, of course, said “I love you” back and felt this release in me. Like I had crossed the finish line of a marathon. It felt like I had won a prize and my soul felt a peace I had never felt before.

I wonder, how many of us are walking around with the same ache? The same yearning? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in romantic relationships where the words were said, regularly. There were times that I questioned if they were genuine though because the actions didn’t always match up. My friends and I have been trying to make more of a habit of expressing our love for each other. It seems like as the years have gone by, it has become easier and easier to say. The difference: the absence of ego. In the past, ego would have me afraid of being too vulnerable. Afraid of being laughed at for being so open. Afraid of not hearing the words said back. Nowadays, I’d rather risk being vulnerable than to never get the chance to say how I feel about the people I love. It’s okay to love. Hearing those words made me realize how healing they can be on a person’s spirit. I want to say it more and more until it is a part of my regular vocabulary. The best place to start is with family.

Thanksgiving

I’ve been traveling home for the holiday for some time now, not necessarily because I care that much about Thanksgiving (given its dark history and the genocide of the native people who inhabited this land). It’s been more about spending time with family and friends and being around loved ones. In my last long-term relationship, I would spend that holiday with my ex’s family since they did it really big and it was a Philly tradition. I didn’t mind spending Thanksgiving with his family because over the years, my family made less and less of a big deal about it. After our relationship ended, I was back to traveling home for the holiday. I viewed it as an escape from the hustle and bustle of Philly life. Besides, New England has more of a holiday vibe than Philly anyway.

Since I arrived so late the night before, I wasn’t able to make it to the markets in time to grab dessert and liquor. To make matters worse, at my parents house, my relatives who would be in charge of putting the meal together were going back and forth about stuff they still didn’t have to round out the meal. I figured that I would find a store open Thanksgiving day, since stores in Philly are open but closing early. Well, I was wrong. MA is no PA in that they’re really strict about what can operate on the holidays. As I was running around, trying to find a store that was open, I was reminded of that. I later learned that in MA, the “Blue Laws” are in effect and control which businesses can legally run on Sundays and certain holidays. So while restaurants, pharmacies and hotels are allowed to be open for business on Thanksgiving, grocery stores are restricted.

After spending the late morning/early afternoon with my mom at her rehab, I was able to find a CVS that was still open, where I found the last tub of vanilla ice cream they had. There was a small neighborhood store, probably the only one open in the South End, that I stumbled upon on my way to visit with a friend. One of the owners was trying to talk me into how to make Brigadeiro, which is a traditional Brazilian recipe of fudge balls, made with unsweetened cocoa and condensed milk. He was touting how easy it was to make on the stove. Not convinced I’d be able to pull it off, I settled on a bottle of hot fudge to go with the ice cream I had bought. I spent the remainder of the afternoon catching up with a friend I rarely get to see and her mother, a visit I didn’t know my soul needed. As I was wrapping up my time with them, I got a call from my dad. The family was ready to have dinner and he wanted to know when I’d be back. That was my cue to head home.

This is my first Thanksgiving with family without my mom at home. Honestly, I wasn’t looking forward to celebrating without her there. I kept trying to delay my return to their house. Especially after feeding her the mediocre turkey lunch they were serving at the rehab, which she didn’t enjoy. I didn’t know what to expect when I got to my parents house, especially after the back and forth with the women in the house about not having all that they needed to see it through. When I finally walked into the dining room, there was a full spread on the table: fried turkey, griot (fried pork), diri djon djon (black mushroom rice), macaroni and cheese, potato salad, a spring mix salad, stewed chicken and homemade strawberry cake. I was overwhelmed, impressed that my baby sister, cousin and my mom’s caretaker/family friend pulled the dinner off in such grand fashion. It was those women, my two nephews, dad and I that were there to enjoy it all. It felt bittersweet at first since I knew my mom would’ve preferred this dinner. The absence of other relatives that would normally be there was felt and expressed. Despite that, the laughs and storytelling that ensued throughout the night made things feel more like old times. It was the get-together I didn’t know I needed. My spirit feels full!

Daydreams and Fleeting Thoughts

Almost every time, when I find myself in the middle of a stressful situation, or if I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, my thoughts drift elsewhere. Before I know it, I’m in another dimension, wishing I was anywhere but where I am currently. Usually, I’m thinking back to a time that I’ve already experienced and typically it is one that evokes warm and fuzzy feelings in me. The daydreams can take the form of reenactments of funny moments shared with others, remembering a kindness that someone has paid me, an experience I had while travelling or remembering times when I was loved on fully. They come in many forms, all of which are capable of pulling me away from the chaos of the present moment. I feel a smile spread across my face and then I’m reminded that this stressful moment I’m currently in will also come to an end, and so I shouldn’t get so worked up over it.

I often wonder, why is it that my response to a difficult episode is to escape to a previous joyous moment? Why can’t I find that solace in the present? The past has come and gone. Sometimes the people attached to those memories are also no longer around for those moments to be revisited together. It is bittersweet actually, especially when that realization hits. I could be sitting in a room full of people and my thoughts will drift off to a past memory. A co-worker or friend will see my smile and wonder what I’m thinking about. I usually respond that it’s nothing really, “just something funny I remembered”. Can good memories sustain us when it comes to coping with difficult situations? Those moments are fleeting. Especially when you have a warehouse of awful memories to accompany the good ones. You then realize that you still have the present to contend with. Nonetheless, I’ll take what I can get. Some relief is better than none, even if it’s temporary.

This is probably why I hardly hold anyone I “used to know” in contempt for things that had gone wrong, which resulted in us no longer being connected. As I’ve gotten older, I realize I don’t have room in my heart to carry any grudges. There’s something really freeing about that. How can one’s heart hold space for any new joys, when it’s filled with animosity and contempt for others? I’m constantly reminding myself that we’re all human and we are all capable of falling short. I am grateful for having the capacity to forgive myself for mistakes made and for extending that same grace to others. After all, when you have a reserve of awesome memories, how can you stay mad for long? New memories are constantly being made, replacing the not so pleasant ones. At least that is the case for me. I think the only downside is wondering what could’ve been. However, I try not to dwell on that either. Everything is as it should be.

Winding Down

It’s a late night for me and we’re less than seven days away from the next “holiday”. I can’t help but feel a little overwhelmed. I was hoping that I could start to unwind from all of my major projects before leaving for break, but it seems like all of my work is only ramping up as I get closer to turkey day. I’m looking forward to the much needed time off but I’m afraid that once it gets here I won’t get to enjoy it fully because of all the irons in the fire at work. I’ve been in back to back meetings for the past several days, which hasn’t left enough time to focus on the actual work. A part of me is wondering if it even makes sense to travel home. I’ll get there, blink then I’ll be due back before I know it. Then I remember why I want to go home: to lay eyes on my folks.

They’ve been calling more often lately, needing help with things that can only be remedied in person. The list of to-do items that I have to handle when I get there is growing by the day. I’ve been pretty firm about what I can and can’t take on, but there’s always this little voice in the back of my head that says “you know why they’re calling you, just suck it up and deal”, and I do. I remind myself that I don’t get to see them often. I just have to make sure I am setting boundaries. I’m feeling burnt out now and don’t want to be run down during the break. Aside from seeing the fam, I’ve been daydreaming about going to all of my old stomping grounds. I have a taste for a prickly pear margarita and quesadilla from one of my favorite spots and there’s a bowl of the best cream of wheat I’ve ever tasted with my name on it at another spot. I’ve also been hearing rave reviews about new eateries that have been recommended for me to try. I know I’ll be bouncing around a lot from house to house for turkey day dinners, so I’m trying to plan accordingly.

I’m determined to keep my fitness routine going while I’m away, so I did locate my gym in limited locations back home. That’ll be priority after the holiday to balance out all of the gluttony that I am certain will take place. There are relatives I didn’t get to see on my last trip that I need to see this time around. All the kiddies will be home so I’ll need to make my rounds. Will this trip be restful? Probably not so much, which is why I’m hoping to wind things down a bit here before I embark on the journey home. There’s only so much I can get done between now and next Wednesday morning. I really only have this weekend to get everything in order and to pack and plan.

I’m trying to make it a habit to regularly unplug and unwind. I’ve written down a list of days to be off in the upcoming months, even if I don’t go anywhere. I recognize the need to nourish the softer side of me. That side of me needs to be re-awakened and reminded how lovely rest and rejuvenation is. The same way I work and play hard, I want to approach rest with the same tenacity. I smile on the inside when I think of my time away from work. Has it really come to this? Constantly needing an escape from everyday life? I want to be more intentional when it comes to planning my time off. I want to ease into those days instead of going into them frazzled and haggard.

Looking Back

I was perusing my Face Book page, responding to event invites and checking my notifications to make sure I was all caught up for the week. I’m trying to be more mindful about getting back to people, even those who use social media as a form of communication (the sign of the times and the differences between the different generations). Have you ever noticed every once in a while, FB will show you one of your old status updates and suggest you re-share it, no matter how long ago you posted it? I never re-share (some of my friends do) even though those updates are relative to the present day. Sometimes, I wonder what frame of mind I was in when I posted said messages and other times, they were a snapshot of the times we all were living in and my thoughts about those times.

There was one status that I had posted almost 10 years ago that I want to unpack here, even though I didn’t choose to re-share it on my FB page:

“Saw a lot of strength, particularly from the men today. Changes my perspective on what it means to find a good mate. When you have to bury a loved one and they are lowering them into the ground, who do you want standing beside you. Who do you want holding your hand?”

I had posted this after a funeral for a relative of a close friend of mine. All funerals are somber but this one was particularly sad because the person who had passed away was still very young. She was full of life, a joy to be around, a staple both in her community and in her family. Her loss left so many people wondering “why?” Her family is made up of so many “strong” women who are prominent figures in their social and familial circles and she was at the top of that list. She was everything to everybody. Her passing was a wake up call for us all to prioritize self care and wellness.

After the funeral service, we made our way to the cemetery for the burial. I remember looking around at the folks gathered there and noticed it was predominantly women from what I could remember. There was so much raw emotion that triggered certain thoughts in me. What motivated me to write this particular status was the show of strength I saw that day. Several of my friend’s male relatives stepped up in major ways. They stood by at the ready, at the opening of the grave. Overcome with grief, a few of the close family members had to be carried away by them. They were alert, were quick to respond when needed and were in the thick of it when things got especially dicey. They were pillars, holding everyone up, being supportive and anticipated everyone’s needs that day. They epitomized the support that we all could only hope for. Seeing how they showed up for their family really got me thinking about what society values in men and the integral roles they play in our lives.

When I wrote that status, I was overcome with emotion. I felt so proud and happy that my friend had that kind of support in her family’s corner. It made me think of what we should prioritize when choosing mates. When we’re going through the storms of life, who do you want by your side, riding out those storms with you? When you’re weak, having someone to be your strength and vice versa. Who can I be vulnerable with? Who can I grow old with and build with? I’m not worried about how fine he is, how much taller he is than me and all the superficial stuff that society tries to convince us we should care about. This is what makes the search for your person that much more difficult. Having to go deeper to find out not just if your values align but how do we show up during times of loss and strife? Simply asking, “can I count on you?”

There’s all this talk about getting with men who are protectors and providers. Some men will be quick to jump up and accuse women of wanting them for their money and other means. That is such a trivial way of looking at things. For me, when I think of what a protector and provider is, it’s someone who provides emotional and physical safety (in a healthy relationship, we both provide this for each other), who is operating in our best interests and who looks out for our betterment. He is our family’s rock.

I’ve been let down a time or two by men I thought I could count on emotionally. What’s that saying, “they want our rhythm but not or blues”? This phrase is typically used in reference to non-black people wanting to participate in black culture, but don’t want the suffering that sometimes comes with it. It has a double-meaning for me though. There’s this unrealistic view that some folks have of what romantic relationships should look like. They expect to remain in the honeymoon period forever, not taking into account the shifts and different seasons of life, the highs and lows that may rock us to our cores. When I’m at my lowest and sadness overcomes me, who will show up for me? Who will have my back? Who will be my champion? This is the beauty of my close friendships. The balance of the supportive roles we play for each other in the different stages of our lives. I am blessed to have friends that have showed up for me in similar ways and I have felt honored to show up in the same capacities for them. I can only hope to be joined with someone that shows up in that same way for me and I for them.

Cuffing Season

So I touched on this a little on Sunday’s podcast episode, “Levels of Loneliness”. Now that we’re officially in the season of hibernation, also known as “cuffing season”, I’m trying to keep as busy as possible. Not to say that I’m susceptible to falling into a seasonal situationship, I’m just mindful that a combination of boredom, cold weather and the sentimentality of the upcoming holidays can lead you to making surface connections that you otherwise wouldn’t make. Not to take away from other genuine relationships that’ll form during this time, but for those of us who live in the Northeast, the weather and SAD is influencing some of our decisions when it comes to coupling up.

Even though I’m busy, I’m also carving out the time to take inventory of my life. My career is on track, my friendships are mostly intact (I need to do some check-ins with folks I hadn’t talked to in a while) and my family life is as good as it’s going to get. I’ve recorded two episodes of the podcast so far and have been keeping up with my blog posts. I have resumed my family history project and hope by the time it’s completed, it’ll culminate in my family’s first family reunion. I’ve gotten through three weeks of my class, with 5 weeks left and I’ve already registered for classes for Spring session, which will take me through the middle of May 2024. Work is picking up some in the recruitment realm, but I’m looking forward to the slow down that the holidays will bring. I’m looking forward to more rest. I’m already drafting my “out of office” messages for my email accounts. Looking at all that I have going on, I don’t have time to get “cuffed”.

For me, cuffing season has been replaced by my self improvement season. I’m still going strong with the increased fitness and healthy eating regimens. A lot of unpacking is happening in therapy still but I’m walking away with new ways of dealing and reflecting. I’ve had moments of weakness where I’m tempted to get back out to see what and who is out there but then I’m reminded I have much work to do still. I’m still on my “Alchemist’s” journey. This season should be used to figure out what I truly need in all of my relationships. It’s also for me to figure out how to be a better version of me and how I should be showing up for the people I love and care about, without all of the self-sacrifice and martyrdom. I want to be a better daughter, sister, friend, colleague and eventually an awesome partner to my future person. I’m exactly where I need to be right now.

Managing Shifts in Life

What is that they always say? “Change is inevitable”, so we’re encouraged to always embrace it. Anyone who knows the nature of Taureans knows that we’re not only categorized as stubborn creatures, but often described as being resistant to change. I don’t like that we’re viewed that way but can admit that there is some truth to those characterizations. I know for me, I can sometimes get complacent and almost have to drag my heels to get moving on things. However, once I get started, there is no stopping me. I’m determined to see things through.

Some changes can be sudden and unexpected. Anytime I’ve started a new phase in my life, whether it be starting a new job/position, moving to a new home or starting a new relationship, I start to plan around it and plan for the long haul. I rarely factor in that those phases, changes or new experiences could suddenly come to an end, causing me to pivot in another direction. For the changes that are beyond my control, I’ve learned to accept them since I don’t have any other choice. For the changes that are harder to accept, I’m always trying to get better with handling those shifts with grace. What I have a hard time with is knowing what to do next, and often wonder, whether the universe is trying to get me to take some sort of major action.

Last month marked my two year anniversary of when I started my current job. I’ve been hitting a groove at work, feeling settled in my areas of expertise and wondering what my next move will be. In the HR world, there’s a belief that you need to start looking for your next opportunity once you hit your 2-3 year mark. It doesn’t look good to be in a position too long without any growth. If you stay with the same employer for more than a couple of years, you need to make sure you’re moving up the ranks or doing some sort of professional development to make sense of the long tenure. I was in my last role for 4 years, but was getting my degree in the field I’m in now, so it made my transition to a new role seamless. There’s always exceptions to this rule though. I’ve seen people leave jobs they’ve held for 10+ years and still be able to move on to other prominent roles. It’ll all depend on your intentions, motivations and what the hiring manager sees as assets.

This week, I received news that someone who is an integral part of our team will be leaving us. Honestly, I wasn’t surprised because the writing was on the wall for some months now. It didn’t soften the blow nonetheless. It hadn’t really hit me until days later. After all, she was responsible for so many of the initiatives we were rolling out and was the OD (organizational development) guru of our team. I can’t help but wonder, what will we do without her? I was blessed to get to speak with her the day the news came out. As we were wishing each other well, I also felt a call to action (prompted by her initially). A call to step up even more in my current role and to think about what the next level of my career would look like, despite the fact that I am spread a little too thin already. I’m not sure what that entails in this moment, but I’m remaining open to the possibilities.

Managing this shift will entail setting boundaries and knowing when to disengage when burnout starts to creep in. Even though I’m pouring myself into my well-being, work, class, my blog and podcast, I’m in a space where I’m able to manage them well because I’m realistic about the time I can dedicate to each. I’m learning how to prioritize and re-prioritize. With this loss to our team, I know I’ll need to show up in new ways. I vow to honor myself and my needs. Luckily, I’ve been squirreling away my paid time off for those days I’ll need to unplug and decompress.

I have 6 weeks left of my class, so that’ll be one less thing off my plate soon. My fitness routine will need to change a bit now that the days are getting shorter and the cold is setting in, but not by a lot because I’m hitting all my mini-goals and seeing the results I’ve been working towards. As for the blog, I post twice a week and with the podcast, I’ll be posting every two weeks, which gives me enough time to plan ahead. For work, I know I’ll have to do more heavy lifting but that will be relegated to just 9-5 on the weekdays. My motto is, “what doesn’t get done today can get done tomorrow”. I am managing that work accordingly and managing others’ expectations of me. There are 60 days left in this year so I plan on finishing strong.

Attitude of Gratitude

There’s something about having a gracious spirit that’ll motivate folks to go the extra mile for you, even when they don’t feel like they have the energy to. Sometimes, all it takes is a kind word and gesture. One of my girlfriend’s thinks it has to do with “leaning into your feminine energy” (as it pertains to getting men to help you). That’s not what I’m talking about here. Her summation of it doesn’t take into account the women that help you as well. Nor does it account for the men that have that influence too. I notice with certain interactions, all it takes is a warm smile, a genuine regard for how someone is doing and feeling, and making eye contact will go a long way. Philadelphians sometimes get a bad rap for having nasty attitudes but I don’t subscribe to that depiction. If you show genuine care for any one, there is a softness that eventually seeps out of even the hardest and coldest person. True, there are lots of angry folks out there, but they’re human too. We all want to be acknowledged and ultimately loved. There are many that don’t know what that looks like. I constantly remind myself that I came to the city of brotherly love and sisterly affection for a reason.

At work, we’re in mid-year evaluation season, where all staff get to complete self-evaluations and then have their managers complete evaluations on them, rating their performance for the first half of the year (we run on an academic year calendar from July 1 - June 30). Before the performance management system launches, I usually schedule time with all of the managers in the areas I support to do a general check-in and to discuss their staff’s performance. Almost always, about a third of the managers become dismissive, by either never responding to the request or when they do, tell me that they don’t think they need the meetings because their managerial skills are perfect (they don’t actually say this but this is how I interpret their disregard). It isn’t until they come to me in a panic that members of their teams are leaving, that I then remind them if they had met with me sooner, we could’ve resolved any underlying issues before they resulted in staff attrition. The check-in meetings only happen 2-3 times a year (4 times for any new managers) and we discuss a host of things. The topics range anywhere from how to develop their staff, how to recognize them for jobs well done, and to talk about any challenges they may be facing that I can assist in mitigating. I call these meetings us being proactive. Even though I enjoy recruiting new talent, I want to retain high skilled employees and pour just as much energy into that work.

I’ve been noticing a trend though. Both the managers that have nothing to prove (those who are seasoned, rest comfortably in their positions and are high ranking) and the entry level managers are the easiest to get buy-in from. They listen, take feedback well and are always looking for ways to learn, improve and be more innovative. They are open to receiving the game that I give and are what I call “champions for change”. Any new initiatives I want to roll out, they are the first in line to try them because they are forward-thinking and see the bigger picture. What they care about and gush about the most, is recognition of their staff. The managers that are the least receptive are the ones in the middle. Most have only been in their roles for a handful of years. They are steady climbing up the proverbial ladder but have not yet reached the top, have garnered some respect from their peers and are still making a name for themselves. When it comes to coaching them, it’s like pulling teeth at times. It’s an uphill battle to convince them that HR can be their strategic partner. There’s a stubbornness and dismissiveness that I find really off-putting at times. Sometimes, all I need to hear is a “thank you” but instead, I get this entitlement and refusal to admit that I helped them in some way. I don’t want to paint them with too broad a brush, but I often wonder, where is the introspection and emotional intelligence?

What makes the more senior and junior managers a joy to work with is their humility and transparency. They are quick to acknowledge when they have knowledge gaps. They are eager to learn, are self-aware but most importantly, are ever so gracious and grateful. Gratitude pours out of them and it is because of this that I find myself going the distance for them. I also attribute this to why their teams are so high-functioning. Their team members go above and beyond. Even when there are tasks that aren’t in my wheel house and would add more to my plate of duties, I find the extra “umph” I need to help them. There’s something about hearing them wax poetic about how much your assistance has made life easier for them that warms the heart. Who doesn’t want to show up and show out for people that see you and the efforts you put forth? I’ll admit, those “atta boys” may not have any monetary value attached but the intrinsic value I garner from those gestures make my day. At the end of the day, we all want to feel seen, heard and appreciated.

What I’ve also noticed is that those same gratitude givers seem to be genuinely happy. There is a warmth and charisma that pours out of them. There are times I know for a fact they are going through things, but they don’t wear it on their sleeves. They always meet others with a smile and a kind word, even when I know the pain behind it. I’m constantly thinking about those people and think about the sadness they must stifle and mask with a smile in order to keep going. Is it strength? Is it love that is sustaining them? Is it a will to keep going despite set backs because you know it’s only but for a moment? I immediately think back to Psalm 30:5 “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning”. I think of all of the people in my life who I know carry deep sadness, grief and loss but still manage to focus on all that is good and are constantly expressing gratitude to others. We don’t lose anything by being kind and gracious.

I used to work for someone that I would categorize as mean spirited. Hardly ever had nice things to say about anyone. For the longest time, it was just the two of us. And then we had a third person join our team and my colleagues in other departments noticed the stark differences in how I was treated versus how my new co-worker was treated. Our boss would go out of their way to be mean, catty and negative with me and I would give it right back. My co-coworker didn’t have that experience, and the disparities in treatment were glaring. I went tit for tat when it came to matching energy. Honestly, trying to keep up with that negativity was exhausting. I remember when my boss accepted another job externally, and there was going to be a virtual going away party held in their honor, I was asked if I wanted to record a farewell message. I respectfully declined. Mind you, I knew them twice as long as the new team member (who ended up recording a really sweet farewell message). It made sense for her to do one. After all, she was fed full course meals when it came to receiving accolades and I was fed the equivalent of scraps. It wasn’t until then that it dawned on me. It’s not that my boss didn’t have the capacity to be thoughtful and give recognition, they just refused to do it for me. When I, too, announced I was leaving for greener pastures, there was all this shock because the realization hit that I was carrying a heavier load in that department. Loyalty was expected of me, even when my efforts were hardly acknowledged. They made my choice to leave easy. What I realized on my way out the door was that my former boss didn’t want me to feel valued. It was a tactic to keep me down, keep me second guessing myself. Didn’t want me to get gassed and feel myself too much. Luckily for me, I didn’t need their validation. I got it elsewhere and my next employer gave it willingly and often. Ooh, what a difference it made to my psyche!

I find myself saying more “thank you’s” in my prayers. I thank God for health, wisdom, love, provision, well-being, peace of mind and I am constantly thanking him for looking over and taking care of my loved ones. My mother is a praying woman and I know I have benefitted from the covering that the words from her lips to God’s ears bring. It’s like an invisible force field that surrounds, protects, guides and nourishes me. I know the power that words bring. Even when she starts to feel down and speak negatively about her situation, I quickly remind her of Proverbs 18:21, which says “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” It’s like a switch is flipped because she remembers all the things she has taught me. Letting people know how impactful they are can lift them up in an instant and then they get this extra boost to keep going and keep thriving. We don’t lose anything by expressing gratefulness. It strengthens us and those around us.

Finding Joy in the Mundane

Is it just me or does anyone else feel this inner contentment being at home, sitting in silence, not having to be anywhere and just being? What is it they call it, the art of doing nothing? Don’t get me wrong, today was super productive. I made it to the gym for strength training, squeezed in a 5 mile walk on my favorite trail, did a little grocery shopping and was home before 5pm. I couldn’t wait to shower, throw on my loungewear and just relax. There’s so many things I could be doing right now, but the mundane is where it’s at for the rest of the day.

Between Telegram and WhatsApp, both group chats have been buzzing all day since this early morning. Everyone is looking for stuff to get into. It’s Halloween weekend, so there’s lots of bar crawls, adult trick or treating and parties galore happening. Philly is definitely a Halloween city, with lots to do and lots of activities to entice and freak you out, if that’s your thing. It definitely does creepy really well. One thing that the chatter in the group chats indicates is that folks are vocal about not wanting to stay in and be bored. Most want to be where the action is popping off at. I like me a little shindig, kickback and activity every now and then.

Where I flourish though, is in the mundane. I may do some chores here and there, but I enjoy laying and lazing around. I enjoy any chance I get to really rest and do much of nothing. You ever have a friend hit you up last minute to go out on the town and your response be “wish I could but I already have plans” when in actuality, you have none? It’s not a total lie. Your plans are to nourish you, whatever that looks like. You haven’t worn a bra in over 16 hours, have your favorite satin bonnet on with fuzzy slippers and a matching pajama set. What you’ve been looking forward to is binge-watching a new series on Netflix, over a big bowl of buttery popcorn with your favorite glass(es) of wine. You have become one with your couch, almost melted into it. You’ve been waiting all week for this moment and the thought of having to leave your abode to be “on” just isn’t appealing enough to make you leave your home. I encourage everyone and anyone out there to do this as much as possible. Your mind, body and soul will thank you.

Some days, I dream about having a partner that can relish in the mundane stuff with me. Someone I can literally let my hair down with, who offers a safe space for me to be me and I them. We can geek out over corny stuff like which new series to watch together, which Marvel movie we want to re-watch for the umpteenth time, play card games or go back and forth about what to make for dinner. Having ridiculous arguments that usually end in both of us locking eyes and busting out laughing because we realize how stupid we either look or sound arguing about foolishness.

Getting dolled up, going out and attending events can be fun too, but the moments I’ve enjoyed and remember the most from relationships past are those that consisted of endless fits of laughter about absolutely nothing (probably why I enjoy shows about nothing like “Curb Your Enthusiasm” or “Seinfeld”). The constant giggling and snickering, almost always happening in the comforts of home. Nights filled with story telling or reliving some gnarly moments that make you laugh so hard, you cry. The roasting sessions where neither of us is taking ourselves too seriously (reminiscent of my own upbringing, where everyone under my family’s roof got roasted and toasted, usually during a 5 hour monopoly game). Not dealing with the stresses of life, or work business to handle. Even when life is life’ing, finding those isolated moments to experience joy and play, just two adults reveling in silliness like kids. I think back to a time when an ex told me sometimes when I laughed so hard, he could tell it came from the depths of my soul. He felt like he had a front row seat to this private part of me that I accidentally let slip out. I’m trying to make more of those moments and memories.

Anyway, as the evening comes to a close, I’ll get back to doing some homework, while I distract myself with YouTube and Max. Also been jotting down more ideas for Episode 2 of the podcast, which I’ll release in another week, so stay tuned for that. Please, let’s all revel in the mundane to balance out the stresses in our lives. Keep laughing, smiling and resting :-)

Shifting Mindsets

My new class has officially started this week. Before our first meeting, I went through all of the materials on the course site that we’ll be covering and working on for the next 8 weeks. I don’t think it’ll be as daunting as I had initially expected. Yes, there are a lot of assignments, but since the course is asynchronous and online, I can actually block off time to chip away at the assignments when it’s most convenient for me. The course is about virtual collaboration and the professor has been teaching remotely for the past 30 years. She is definitely an expert in the field and the perfect case study for why remote work should stay (I’ll be marketing this heavy to all the managers I coach). In the first 30 minutes of our class check-in, she introduced us to at least 3 different virtual tools that I had either never heard of or used very minimally in the past. I’m excited low-key because I know by the time I’ve finished this course, I will have more tools that will make me more versatile, both personally and professionally. I’m about to start an assignment on emotional intelligence but I’m feeling a little distracted, so here I am.

As I continue to purge in this season, I’m hyper aware of how my thoughts can either have a positive or negative impact on me and my desired outcomes. Getting rid of unwanted material things has been easy. Changing habits and shifting mindsets is a whole other set of challenges. Imagine putting together one of those old school radios from the 1980’s/90’s (I remember my dad used to have to do this when he was in his electrical engineer certificate program), remember how complicated all that wiring was and appeared to be? Now, imagine after putting it together and using it for a while, you realize there is a glitch. You have to take it apart and re-wire the whole thing because of a small defect, but that small defect is keeping it from working efficiently. The task seems tedious and overwhelming. You’re dragging your heels because of the enormity of the project. That radio is me in a nutshell. Having to rewire and reprogram all that I am and all that I’ve learned has been a huge undertaking, but I’d rather do it now than to wish I had taken action when it’s too late. I’m in a season of unlearning that which no longer serves me.

I have dedicated this season to purging much of what hasn’t been useful to me, literally and figuratively, especially as it pertains to well-being. One of the things I’ve been doing often is cleaning up my social media, primarily Instagram, Twitter (aka ”X”) and YouTube. Every week, I’ll get a notification from my phone about my average screen time. I used to pride myself on how low that average time would be. I am so not a phone person, first off. I’m the type to put it on the charger and leave it there for the remainder of the night when I get home from work. Over time, I started to notice an upward trend in the time spent online and was surprised. The uptick in time wasn’t making any sense. Then I remembered the amount of notifications I constantly receive, especially from social media sites. All this “breaking news” and folks going “live” with effery or the next viral video constantly being pushed out was getting out of hand. Most of it wasn’t positive either. I didn’t notice until recently how many pages I followed that seemed to be in the business of selling fear and desperation. Even if I wasn’t following certain content creators and their channels, because of previous videos I had watched, the algorithms were trying to reel me in for more salaciousness, more depravity and just loads of negativity. We tend to forget that a lot of what we subscribe to has been fed to us both consciously and unconsciously, but more so the latter. I’ll admit that I’ve been susceptible to a lot of the toxicity lately. It isn’t until you sit back and re-assess that you realize you fell for the okie doke. A massive deprogramming and recalibration needs to happen.

I used to go on long digital detoxes but what’s the point of doing that if you’re going to return to the same rubbish you were consuming beforehand? I started my clean up with YouTube. Red pill content has taken over the innanets. Vloggers responding to the negativity also flood the YT streets. Sadly, I’ve gotten sucked in a time or two in the hoopla, falling for some of the hype that’s been spewed over the years. There’s a lot of creators posing as experts, leading the masses astray. First order of business, I went through all of the channels I was subscribed to. If it was a content creator that provided a balanced outlook on a subject matter I cared about, I stay subscribed. All of the other snake oil salesmen/women and wolves trying to profit from other people’s pain and desperation, I immediately unsubscribed to. I also unsubcribed from any gossip vlogs, some lifestyle influencers and some “couples” vlogs. Most of them are in it to make money, a lot of it isn’t real and staged for clicks. We’re all finding out that a lot of our faves were faking the funk and many of those couples are all splitting up. They’ve resorted to writing “tell all” books, doing explosive interviews and letting all the tea finally spill, thus guaranteeing more headlines which’ll generate more clicks, views and income for them for years to come.

I did the same with Instagram. I unfollowed a lot of news outlets, lots of pandering political pundit and gossip pages. I already know where I stand politically. Tired of my feeds being flooded with empty promises any time someone has something to sell or wants my vote in the next election. The mud-slinging is out of control. I grew up in the bluest of blue states, so I became civically engaged early on. Any information I need, I seek and find. I don’t need to open up the apps and be bombarded with the BS. As we’re seeing with current events, you can get swayed by one side over another based on the amount of stimuli being put out. Again, I have my sources that I go to when I need FACTS. As for “X”, who is running things over there? Can’t really tell these days…it’s giving very much far/alt-right. I’m not about to whine and complain about what needs to change since free speech is a right. I’ll just have to opt-out for some peace of mind.

Facebook is where the ‘‘Boomers” and Generation X reign supreme. There’s a few millenials and xennials talking their ish over there but not too much where I need to do a massive clean up of my friends list. Thank goodness for the mute option. I’ll leave FB to my pops, tatis, tontons and cuzzs’. I’m still on there because of family really, staying connected as much as possible. I’ve “muted” a lot of folks on there anyway, including some family (they know I know the real scoop) and I’d rather not have to see the lies they keep telling on there. I used to call “cap” on a couple of statuses and post directly under them with a side eye, but I’ll let them spin their alternate reality for their followings. I’m also on there more so for the groups. Now that’s where all the action is! Even those, I have to limit so I rarely check-in to them either and mute those notifications as well. I recently added TikTok, but only because homies in the group chat keep sharing videos from there and I was having a hard time viewing them without having an account. I take what I need from there and leave what doesn’t serve me. There are some funny vids on their though, along with some recipe and fitness ones that I like to watch. We’ll see how long I can stand it before I mute it on my phone too.

Clubhouse is another I had to opt-out of (it still shows under my apps with a little cloud underneath, meaning it needs to be updated). That app was lit during the ‘demy. However, even it too was becoming a tad too toxic. I would hop from room to room, trying to find one that reflected my interests and where I wanted to soak up some useful knowledge. If you hop in now, all you’ll hear is more hot topics/gossip and you’ll start to feel that there is a war between black men and women. Where is the love? Wherever it is, that’s where you’ll find me. Until then, I’m going to keep cleaning up my digital footprint on these apps, hopefully clearing my mind and resetting it in the process.