Those Three Words

Just when I think there’s nothing else that could surprise me, there are moments that can rock me to my core, leaving me feeling so raw and open, rendering me almost immobile. Another one of those moments occurred Thanksgiving Day. I had spent the afternoon with my mom, chatting and catching up on family stuff and life. As I was gearing up to leave her, she uttered those three little words that I don’t recall her ever saying out loud, that have the power to knock me almost out of alignment: “I love you”.

Anyone who knows what it’s like growing up in a Haitian household knows Haitian parents don’t typically express their love for each other or their children verbally. Not because they don’t feel the emotion, it’s just that culturally, they would rather show you than tell you. My parents showed me and my siblings their love by providing for us, teaching us, protecting us and guiding us. The love was felt, but sometimes I would find myself yearning to hear those words and wonder what my life trajectory would’ve been like had it been expressed outwardly.

Two visits ago (several months prior), when I was in town, the thought had crossed my mind. It was weighing on me heavily. I then decided that I needed to lead by example and say the words first. So when I saw her, before I left her bedside, I said “I love you”. She didn’t say the words back to me and it did hurt not to hear them but I did realize that this was new for her. She had replied with an “um, okay” awkwardly. I tried not to take it personally and gave her some grace. After all, this is new territory for us all. So when she finally said those words out loud, my heart broke open. I wanted to break down sobbing but I knew she would’ve probably kicked me out of her room lol. She couldn’t see my expression, which was probably for the best. I, of course, said “I love you” back and felt this release in me. Like I had crossed the finish line of a marathon. It felt like I had won a prize and my soul felt a peace I had never felt before.

I wonder, how many of us are walking around with the same ache? The same yearning? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in romantic relationships where the words were said, regularly. There were times that I questioned if they were genuine though because the actions didn’t always match up. My friends and I have been trying to make more of a habit of expressing our love for each other. It seems like as the years have gone by, it has become easier and easier to say. The difference: the absence of ego. In the past, ego would have me afraid of being too vulnerable. Afraid of being laughed at for being so open. Afraid of not hearing the words said back. Nowadays, I’d rather risk being vulnerable than to never get the chance to say how I feel about the people I love. It’s okay to love. Hearing those words made me realize how healing they can be on a person’s spirit. I want to say it more and more until it is a part of my regular vocabulary. The best place to start is with family.