Another Rainy Sunday

Woke up feeling like the weather today. I dragged myself out to a friend’s game night last night and indulged to my heart’s content. I was allowed a cheat meal so I went in on the mac and cheese, fried chicken and mini meatballs my friend had made. Of course I chased all of this with a mixed drink. Even though I only had the one, it seemed to go straight to my blood stream. This is what happens when you’ve been eating clean for months and only drink minimally and socially. I had to cut myself off early. We played all kinds of games. Family Feud, Kahoot and a slew of other random games my friend had developed over the years. We played until the wee hours of the morning, played until we got tired and our brains couldn’t function properly. You know you’re tired when you start to lose the games on purpose like I was. After an hour ride back to my home, I crawled into bed ready to sleep the day away.

Last night was awesome. It was the usual crew with a few new faces. I can’t remember the last time we laughed so hard as a group. We were like silly little kids again. One of the games entailed us listening to a short clip of music, the DJ abruptly turning it off and each person having to finish the song in order to get points. I sang my parts off key off course. It didn’t dawn on me until now that this was the first time in over the 9 years I’ve known this crew that I sang out loud solo in front of them. For all those who know me know I dread singing (due to an experience in my childhood) in public. I can’t stand my singing voice. So it shocked me that in the group setting last night, I sang my little heart out and didn’t give a darn who heard me. It felt freeing. To be open and silly and not care of making a complete fool of myself. After all, we all had to do the challenge. And guess what? No one was expecting me to sound like Mariah Carey. The night went on and we continued to giggle like children. There’s something so healing about laughter.

I kept waking up today, kept going in and out of a deep sleep. The pitter patter of the rain all day kept lulling me to back to my dream world. My dreams were so vivid and felt so real. Sleeping for so long only made me more tired, hence why I woke up feeling so drained. My brain had been doing so much heavy lifting last night and in my dreams. I was reminded why it’s not good for me to sleep past 10 hours. When I rolled over one last time before forcing myself out of bed, I had reached for my phone. I wanted to google something that had come to mind and under the Google search bar was a news story that caught my eye. The headline was so jarring: The head of my organization had been forced to resign.

I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of why since it’s an ongoing situation and extremely public. Seems like anyone who dares to speak on the subject and not fall on a particular side of the issue risks being cancelled. I knew the pressure this leader was under but didn’t think they would give up so easily. Then I had to remind myself, when something isn’t really yours there’s always a risk that you’ll lose it. In this case, when you have wealthy stakeholders who are the main reason your institution can do what it does and continue to thrive, if you don’t dance to the beat of their drums, you can be removed easily. Can you imagine, working your hardest and making a name for yourself for decades. Earning the respect of your peers. Working your way to the top of one of the world’s most revered institutions, only to have the rug pulled out from under you for a “mistake” or “misconstruing” of your words? It’s heart breaking and discouraging.

This isn’t the first public disgracing and flogging I’ve seen of a leader I’ve had proximity to. As I compare all of the scenarios, there are stark differences and it brought me back to a popular saying that I’ve heard uttered time and time again throughout my career: “the same people you see on the way up are the same people you will see on the way down”. This is why you need to be mindful of how you treat people. In this most recent news, even though it is a very public situation, I have a feeling that this leader will be okay. Reason being, I’ve heard too many great things about them previously. They were a champion for change and had a grand vision for how to make our organization continue to be better. When I think of the others that were in a similar position, they were only out for themselves. So when they fell, no one came to their rescue. They had no good will to shield them from the blows.

This is one of the many reasons why I’ve always strived to be the best version of myself at every job I’ve held. My goal was always to be a good, compassionate person. From the time I started out in retail as a teenager until now, I’ve never compromised myself professionally, nor have I thrown anyone under the bus. I was never a “mean girl” for the sake of getting in the favor of the higher ups. I remember having 2 of the worst managers who brought me on to a team to lead it. After some months, they started to ask me pointed questions about my colleagues and our other leadership (reported to a department leader outside of them as well). I then realized they were looking for a snitch and I wasn’t having it. When they saw I wouldn’t budge, they hired a part-time temp who they planted in my team’s office who did all the snitching. Well, that temp didn’t last 2 months because she eventually angered the managers. I left some time after that but luckily on my terms. A year later, I heard one of those managers was let go in dramatic fashion. It only affirmed what I’ve always known all along: unless you are an owner, no one’s job is guaranteed. I may not be rich monetarily but I am wealthy with dignity, respect and have my name. No one can take those things away.

As it pertains to this recent resignation, this is a prime example of when you rely on external investors to keep your lights on, they have the ultimate power to decide whether you come and go. This is probably why I have the utmost respect for my parents hustle. They’ve been self-employed and self-sustaining for most of my life. They went against the grain, struggled for years to establish themselves because they never wanted to be in a position where they had to compromise themselves and their morals to have a job. Never wanted to be reliant on anyone and wanted to be in control of their destinies. My father has always tried to get me to join him in the family business, but I was always so hesitant. The idea of having to hustle as hard as they do for no guarantees and lack of stability for what I need scares me. I want a guaranteed paycheck and benefits, especially since I have responsibilities that require consistency. I go back and forth about it though. There’s nothing more freeing then not having to rely on anyone to have your needs met. I want to get to a place where I can be self-sustaining and not have to sell my soul or sacrifice my well-being to do so.