Attitude of Gratitude

There’s something about having a gracious spirit that’ll motivate folks to go the extra mile for you, even when they don’t feel like they have the energy to. Sometimes, all it takes is a kind word and gesture. One of my girlfriend’s thinks it has to do with “leaning into your feminine energy” (as it pertains to getting men to help you). That’s not what I’m talking about here. Her summation of it doesn’t take into account the women that help you as well. Nor does it account for the men that have that influence too. I notice with certain interactions, all it takes is a warm smile, a genuine regard for how someone is doing and feeling, and making eye contact will go a long way. Philadelphians sometimes get a bad rap for having nasty attitudes but I don’t subscribe to that depiction. If you show genuine care for any one, there is a softness that eventually seeps out of even the hardest and coldest person. True, there are lots of angry folks out there, but they’re human too. We all want to be acknowledged and ultimately loved. There are many that don’t know what that looks like. I constantly remind myself that I came to the city of brotherly love and sisterly affection for a reason.

At work, we’re in mid-year evaluation season, where all staff get to complete self-evaluations and then have their managers complete evaluations on them, rating their performance for the first half of the year (we run on an academic year calendar from July 1 - June 30). Before the performance management system launches, I usually schedule time with all of the managers in the areas I support to do a general check-in and to discuss their staff’s performance. Almost always, about a third of the managers become dismissive, by either never responding to the request or when they do, tell me that they don’t think they need the meetings because their managerial skills are perfect (they don’t actually say this but this is how I interpret their disregard). It isn’t until they come to me in a panic that members of their teams are leaving, that I then remind them if they had met with me sooner, we could’ve resolved any underlying issues before they resulted in staff attrition. The check-in meetings only happen 2-3 times a year (4 times for any new managers) and we discuss a host of things. The topics range anywhere from how to develop their staff, how to recognize them for jobs well done, and to talk about any challenges they may be facing that I can assist in mitigating. I call these meetings us being proactive. Even though I enjoy recruiting new talent, I want to retain high skilled employees and pour just as much energy into that work.

I’ve been noticing a trend though. Both the managers that have nothing to prove (those who are seasoned, rest comfortably in their positions and are high ranking) and the entry level managers are the easiest to get buy-in from. They listen, take feedback well and are always looking for ways to learn, improve and be more innovative. They are open to receiving the game that I give and are what I call “champions for change”. Any new initiatives I want to roll out, they are the first in line to try them because they are forward-thinking and see the bigger picture. What they care about and gush about the most, is recognition of their staff. The managers that are the least receptive are the ones in the middle. Most have only been in their roles for a handful of years. They are steady climbing up the proverbial ladder but have not yet reached the top, have garnered some respect from their peers and are still making a name for themselves. When it comes to coaching them, it’s like pulling teeth at times. It’s an uphill battle to convince them that HR can be their strategic partner. There’s a stubbornness and dismissiveness that I find really off-putting at times. Sometimes, all I need to hear is a “thank you” but instead, I get this entitlement and refusal to admit that I helped them in some way. I don’t want to paint them with too broad a brush, but I often wonder, where is the introspection and emotional intelligence?

What makes the more senior and junior managers a joy to work with is their humility and transparency. They are quick to acknowledge when they have knowledge gaps. They are eager to learn, are self-aware but most importantly, are ever so gracious and grateful. Gratitude pours out of them and it is because of this that I find myself going the distance for them. I also attribute this to why their teams are so high-functioning. Their team members go above and beyond. Even when there are tasks that aren’t in my wheel house and would add more to my plate of duties, I find the extra “umph” I need to help them. There’s something about hearing them wax poetic about how much your assistance has made life easier for them that warms the heart. Who doesn’t want to show up and show out for people that see you and the efforts you put forth? I’ll admit, those “atta boys” may not have any monetary value attached but the intrinsic value I garner from those gestures make my day. At the end of the day, we all want to feel seen, heard and appreciated.

What I’ve also noticed is that those same gratitude givers seem to be genuinely happy. There is a warmth and charisma that pours out of them. There are times I know for a fact they are going through things, but they don’t wear it on their sleeves. They always meet others with a smile and a kind word, even when I know the pain behind it. I’m constantly thinking about those people and think about the sadness they must stifle and mask with a smile in order to keep going. Is it strength? Is it love that is sustaining them? Is it a will to keep going despite set backs because you know it’s only but for a moment? I immediately think back to Psalm 30:5 “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning”. I think of all of the people in my life who I know carry deep sadness, grief and loss but still manage to focus on all that is good and are constantly expressing gratitude to others. We don’t lose anything by being kind and gracious.

I used to work for someone that I would categorize as mean spirited. Hardly ever had nice things to say about anyone. For the longest time, it was just the two of us. And then we had a third person join our team and my colleagues in other departments noticed the stark differences in how I was treated versus how my new co-worker was treated. Our boss would go out of their way to be mean, catty and negative with me and I would give it right back. My co-coworker didn’t have that experience, and the disparities in treatment were glaring. I went tit for tat when it came to matching energy. Honestly, trying to keep up with that negativity was exhausting. I remember when my boss accepted another job externally, and there was going to be a virtual going away party held in their honor, I was asked if I wanted to record a farewell message. I respectfully declined. Mind you, I knew them twice as long as the new team member (who ended up recording a really sweet farewell message). It made sense for her to do one. After all, she was fed full course meals when it came to receiving accolades and I was fed the equivalent of scraps. It wasn’t until then that it dawned on me. It’s not that my boss didn’t have the capacity to be thoughtful and give recognition, they just refused to do it for me. When I, too, announced I was leaving for greener pastures, there was all this shock because the realization hit that I was carrying a heavier load in that department. Loyalty was expected of me, even when my efforts were hardly acknowledged. They made my choice to leave easy. What I realized on my way out the door was that my former boss didn’t want me to feel valued. It was a tactic to keep me down, keep me second guessing myself. Didn’t want me to get gassed and feel myself too much. Luckily for me, I didn’t need their validation. I got it elsewhere and my next employer gave it willingly and often. Ooh, what a difference it made to my psyche!

I find myself saying more “thank you’s” in my prayers. I thank God for health, wisdom, love, provision, well-being, peace of mind and I am constantly thanking him for looking over and taking care of my loved ones. My mother is a praying woman and I know I have benefitted from the covering that the words from her lips to God’s ears bring. It’s like an invisible force field that surrounds, protects, guides and nourishes me. I know the power that words bring. Even when she starts to feel down and speak negatively about her situation, I quickly remind her of Proverbs 18:21, which says “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” It’s like a switch is flipped because she remembers all the things she has taught me. Letting people know how impactful they are can lift them up in an instant and then they get this extra boost to keep going and keep thriving. We don’t lose anything by expressing gratefulness. It strengthens us and those around us.