Looking Back

I was perusing my Face Book page, responding to event invites and checking my notifications to make sure I was all caught up for the week. I’m trying to be more mindful about getting back to people, even those who use social media as a form of communication (the sign of the times and the differences between the different generations). Have you ever noticed every once in a while, FB will show you one of your old status updates and suggest you re-share it, no matter how long ago you posted it? I never re-share (some of my friends do) even though those updates are relative to the present day. Sometimes, I wonder what frame of mind I was in when I posted said messages and other times, they were a snapshot of the times we all were living in and my thoughts about those times.

There was one status that I had posted almost 10 years ago that I want to unpack here, even though I didn’t choose to re-share it on my FB page:

“Saw a lot of strength, particularly from the men today. Changes my perspective on what it means to find a good mate. When you have to bury a loved one and they are lowering them into the ground, who do you want standing beside you. Who do you want holding your hand?”

I had posted this after a funeral for a relative of a close friend of mine. All funerals are somber but this one was particularly sad because the person who had passed away was still very young. She was full of life, a joy to be around, a staple both in her community and in her family. Her loss left so many people wondering “why?” Her family is made up of so many “strong” women who are prominent figures in their social and familial circles and she was at the top of that list. She was everything to everybody. Her passing was a wake up call for us all to prioritize self care and wellness.

After the funeral service, we made our way to the cemetery for the burial. I remember looking around at the folks gathered there and noticed it was predominantly women from what I could remember. There was so much raw emotion that triggered certain thoughts in me. What motivated me to write this particular status was the show of strength I saw that day. Several of my friend’s male relatives stepped up in major ways. They stood by at the ready, at the opening of the grave. Overcome with grief, a few of the close family members had to be carried away by them. They were alert, were quick to respond when needed and were in the thick of it when things got especially dicey. They were pillars, holding everyone up, being supportive and anticipated everyone’s needs that day. They epitomized the support that we all could only hope for. Seeing how they showed up for their family really got me thinking about what society values in men and the integral roles they play in our lives.

When I wrote that status, I was overcome with emotion. I felt so proud and happy that my friend had that kind of support in her family’s corner. It made me think of what we should prioritize when choosing mates. When we’re going through the storms of life, who do you want by your side, riding out those storms with you? When you’re weak, having someone to be your strength and vice versa. Who can I be vulnerable with? Who can I grow old with and build with? I’m not worried about how fine he is, how much taller he is than me and all the superficial stuff that society tries to convince us we should care about. This is what makes the search for your person that much more difficult. Having to go deeper to find out not just if your values align but how do we show up during times of loss and strife? Simply asking, “can I count on you?”

There’s all this talk about getting with men who are protectors and providers. Some men will be quick to jump up and accuse women of wanting them for their money and other means. That is such a trivial way of looking at things. For me, when I think of what a protector and provider is, it’s someone who provides emotional and physical safety (in a healthy relationship, we both provide this for each other), who is operating in our best interests and who looks out for our betterment. He is our family’s rock.

I’ve been let down a time or two by men I thought I could count on emotionally. What’s that saying, “they want our rhythm but not or blues”? This phrase is typically used in reference to non-black people wanting to participate in black culture, but don’t want the suffering that sometimes comes with it. It has a double-meaning for me though. There’s this unrealistic view that some folks have of what romantic relationships should look like. They expect to remain in the honeymoon period forever, not taking into account the shifts and different seasons of life, the highs and lows that may rock us to our cores. When I’m at my lowest and sadness overcomes me, who will show up for me? Who will have my back? Who will be my champion? This is the beauty of my close friendships. The balance of the supportive roles we play for each other in the different stages of our lives. I am blessed to have friends that have showed up for me in similar ways and I have felt honored to show up in the same capacities for them. I can only hope to be joined with someone that shows up in that same way for me and I for them.