When The Past Informs Your Present

Normally, I schedule my workouts in the morning on my remote work days. Since I had a work meeting to prep for and was a little anxious about it, I started work earlier and planned to hit the gym in the afternoon during my lunch break instead. Well, when I finally stepped out, all 99 degrees fahrenheit slapped the heck out of me, leaving me in a stupor. The heat was suffocating. I still managed to make it to the gym today but thought “well, there goes the rest of my day”. I had planned on heading out in the evening to dance and sweat the week’s stresses out and that heat said “no ma’am”. Hence why I’m here, online, instead of out and about taking advantage of the pre-Roots Picnic festivities (I have yet to attend even though I’ve been out here eight and a half years now).

I forgot to mention that I’m on day 5 of my pre-Summer detox. As usual, I go into these deep reflective mental states when I’m not having to focus on food. Everything comes to the surface. Every emotion, every random thought, the past, the present and future are all swirling around in my head. I’m here trying to reckon with all of it, thus keeping myself up late at night. One thought in particular is whether past dating experiences inform how I present in romantic relationships currently. The short answer is that they have. Especially, as it pertains to vulnerability.

Knowing when to be vulnerable in relationships has always been a challenge for me. Not that I don’t know how to or don’t want to be, it’s knowing when is the right time to let people in. I definitely have the capacity to be and I have a Cancer I met 15 years ago to thank for that. I’d liken it to when you try to squeeze the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube and when you can’t get anymore out, you cut open the tube on it’s side to scrape out the rest (I know, sounds a bit po’ but Sensodyne isn’t cheap!). Well, I was that tube of toothpaste. He kept kneading the emotion out of me (not literally, relax). I would let some out in spurts but it was never enough for him. I was pushed to my limits and tested constantly until I couldn’t fight it anymore. It was at the end of that relationship when I broke open emotionally.

When I think back to why I was so hardened emotionally before then, my parents come to mind. Especially my mom. She held everything close to the vest back then. As of today, I still don’t know anyone as stubborn as her. How that played out in her relationship with my dad was telling. When it was just the three of us (my older sis was still in Haiti), my parents were much more affectionate. Then when my younger siblings came along, I noticed a shift in my parents. They weren’t as emotive/romantic anymore and then eventually, that part of them seemed non-existent. Could’ve been the stresses of life weighing heavily on them, so no time or space to be lovey dove-y. However, that couldn’t have been the case since my mom stayed pregnant and well into her 40’s at that. They were definitely hiding that part of their lives from us kids, but why? As I grew older, what I noticed in my mom was pride. Like she didn’t want to get caught slipping emotionally. Even when it came to disciplining us, you would think my dad would’ve been more of the disciplinarian (and he was, for the most part). My mom was a savage with it though. Her beatings were ruthless! I still remember that last beating too. Where my dad would express compassion and sadness for having to discipline us, my mom stood ten toes down and showed no remorse. When I think back over the span of my life, I don’t remember her ever saying sorry for anything.

Now to add another layer to all of this, I don’t recall hearing either of them ever say I love you, to each other and to us children. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it out loud in my home growing up. It rubbed off on us siblings too. We were emotional gangsters to each other (except for my baby sis, she was so loving), constantly roasting each other. Roasting was our love language and we were pranksters too. Taking pics of each other coming out the shower (had all sisters), recording each other snore, laughing at one another when someone was crying or getting in trouble. Now I don’t hold this against my parents since it seems to be a cultural thing. Haitian parents express their love by what they do for you. Duty = Love to them. A roof over your head, clothes on your back and a full belly is how they express their love. Even when disciplining you, they see it as they’re doing you a favor, keeping you from a life of crime: “when you get older, you’ll thank me” they’d always say. Some of that is true because I turned out to be a square, although, I’d like to see the research behind the effectiveness of beatings/spankings in developing young adults.

So back to my parents and how their marriage informed my romantic relationships. Looking back at my dating history, between 16-26 (please note, dating in my teens involved mostly talking on the phone since my dad wasn’t having none of that going out on dates stuff lol), I mirrored what my parents did: I, like them, was fiercely loyal to those I dated but there was an emotional void. I cared for them, except there were conditions always. Never gave up too much, kept my cards close to my chest and saw too much emotion as weakness. Once they crossed me or I felt slighted in some way, it was a wrap and there was no turning back for me. Looking back, it was definitely more pride than anything else. I viewed men as having ulterior motives, opportunistic and not to be fully trusted. Wasn’t about to get caught slipping emotionally either. I definitely had an ego. After being in a dating bubble for 4 years prior, a relationship I was in when I was 25 did a number on me and forced me deeper into my shell, further validating the negative views I had about men and why you don’t open up fully so they don’t hurt you.

Now back to the Cancer I mentioned previously. Meeting him at 26, this is when my emotional shift happened. I fought tooth and nail to guard my heart. It was almost too much emotion to handle but it forced me to let go of all I was holding back. It is then I realized I had the emotional capacity (think this is when I started crying at commercials too smh) to open my heart and let people fully in. It’s so rewarding and made me realize I was starving for this level of affection and emotion since childhood. My inner child had been deprived and now that I’ve had a taste, I don’t want to go back to what was. Even though I admire what my parents have built together, I want more than they had. More love, more affection, more compassion, just more. Am I still fearful to open up? Of course! The difference these days is I proceed with extreme caution before letting anyone in, especially when dealing with love bombers (post about this to soon come).