Are Platonic Relationships Possible?

Depending on who you ask, you’ll get a vast array of responses. I have friends that swear by them, saying that having the perspective of the opposite sex in the context of friendship is integral to being a well-rounded individual. Others will tell you that you’re treading on dangerous territory because of the level of intimacy you tend to build that can eventually evolve into a romantic connection. You ever know those couples that tell you they were friends for ages before deciding to embark on a romantic relationship? Opponents of this type of friendship will tell you that those warm and fuzzy feelings between a man and a woman were always there, below the surface, festering and waiting to be unleashed.

Personally, I don’t have much experience with my platonic relationships developing into full-blown romances. No judgement towards anyone that does, it just hasn’t been a thing for me. Primarily, because I believe in having clear boundaries and making them known from the onset. I’ve seen too many “situationships” form out of friendships and eventually turn sour. Usually, because one person develops more feelings for the other. Once you start “bumping uglies”, things can get complicated if you’re not on the same page. So for me, in the very beginning of a budding friendship, I decide early on whether to “friendzone” or allow things to go beyond that. There is a small window of time where I do consider the “what-if”, and then it quickly closes, never to be reopened again.

I think back to one of my closest guy friends from undergrad. I’ll call him Theo*. We were like two peas in a pod. Inseparable. Whenever you saw one of us on campus without the other, you’d immediately ask where the other was. Most nights, we’d stay up on the phone for hours, talking about everything under the sun. It was never inappropriate banter or flirting, just 2 compadres shooting the breeze, having a laugh and getting to the core of who we were. I welcomed his companionship, mainly because I was mostly surrounded by women at home and in life (aside from my dad of course). Even though I had male cousins, they were a lot younger than me. Theo was the much older brother I never had and wished I had growing up. We’d even bicker like siblings too. He grew on me.

Then the shift happened. While I was in undergrad, I was also dating my long-term boyfriend. We had only been dating for a couple of months when Theo and I met. He was a lovely lad but we honestly didn’t have a whole lot in common aside from our culture and background. English wasn’t his first language, so he spoke it minimally. Even though I spoke Creole, I felt that I could better expound and express myself in English. As a result, there were lots of misunderstandings and I was left frustrated because I didn’t feel like he really knew me. In enters Theo who knows me so well that he was finishing my sentences. He had an uncanny ability to read my every facial expression, like he was in my mind (Capricorns, Cancers and emotionally stable Scorpios seem to be the most intuitive in this sense). Every now and then, I’d hit him up for advice for what to do in my relationship. Keep in mind, I was in my late teens/early twenties, learning about relationships as I went along because I wasn’t getting that game from my parents at the time (for various reasons I’ll get into later).

One night in particular, during one of our epic phone conversations, I was asking him what I should do about a situation I was having with my guy, and Theo flat out told me “stop talking about that N@#$!”. This definitely threw me for a loop. We always talked about my love life. In that instance, it dawned on me that he barely mentioned girls he was dating. I knew he had a roster (other friends would mention his escapades to me), but he never went in depth about who he was dealing with. I can’t remember how our conversation ended but in the days following, he eventually made it abundantly clear he had feelings for me and that he was annoyed that I couldn’t see that. I honestly didn’t know how to respond and instead pulled away awkwardly because, at that point, if I continued to pursue our friendship knowing what I now knew, it could be seen as betrayal to my guy and as disrespect (this was also made abundantly clear when my mom overheard us talking on the phone one night. She gave me a side eye and said “I hope that’s your boyfriend you’re talking to”.) We eventually reconnected and then I found out he asked one of his many “pursuits” to marry him. Even though I was happy for him, there was a part of me that felt a way because I knew this would impact our dynamic. What hurt even more was when he finally got married, he didn’t invite me to the wedding. When I called him out on this, he responded that it “would’ve hurt too much to have you there”. I was devastated. Not because I cared for him in a romantic way but because I had lost my friend and I knew we’d never be the same. We couldn’t go back to the way things were with me knowing how he felt and knowing at my core I’d never reciprocate those feelings.

This experience definitely shaped how I approach platonic friendships with the opposite sex (even the same sex too but not going to delve into that here). I decide early on whether a guy friend will strictly remain in that friendzone or whether I’ll entertain their flirtations. I have yet to experience a romantic relationship that grew from us being friends first. The longer I know them, the riskier it becomes (still have a “friend” that texts every couple of months to find out if my rule still applies smh). I value my friendships so much that I’d rather let a potential mate go than to risk losing them as friends. As we get older and our friend circles get smaller and smaller, I hold on to those relationships with a death grip, hesitant to embrace change. There was a point when I had more guy friends than girl friends. That hasn’t been the case in a really long time. The few male friends I do have, I hold our friendship near and dear. It’s been quite tricky as I get older to maintain and retain friendships with the opposite sex because I have to always question what a guy’s motives are when wanting to befriend me (with regards to new friendships).

Then you have the ever dicey landscape of being friends with exes when the romantic relationship fails. Personally, I don’t do it. Every ex is a distant memory. A moment in time that has long since been memorialized. Even when they’ve tried to maintain some contact, I’ve been intentional about severing ties and burying those parts of my life. I’ve been told that’s a cold-blooded approach to take, that there was a time when I loved/cared for said individuals. I’m constantly asked “how can you just throw them away like that?” I see it differently though. I wish them well on their journey’s, even when it no longer includes me. However, I am a stickler for harnessing a certain type of vibe around me. I’m a believer that when romantic relationships end, they end for a reason. It means I need to move on and declutter my emotional space of what was. If I continue to entertain that old energy, I may miss the blessing of meeting my new love because I was distracted by the old. Despite what folks may say, keeping that old energy around may create confusion, then next thing you know, you’re falling back in with someone you should’ve left in your past. Also, from the outside, you’ll look distracted to someone new who may be interested in you. I try to be intentional about the energy I give off. I call it “living as if”: as if I am trying to attract the new, giving off that there is no old threat to what we can have together. Why carry the old relationships around like baggage into the next one? Especially when you know (at least in my case) that the exes would get back with you in a heart beat if you gave the okay? No one wants to be made a fool of, knowing that at any given moment if you have a disagreement, there’s a chance you may reach out and “touch” an old flame. It’s way too risky…

I never understood why my parents were content with not having those external relationships and outlets in other people. As an adult, I totally get it now. They never wanted to give the appearance of inappropriateness with their friendships. They are each other’s best friend. Any friendships they have with external folks, they share. So I’d never see my dad or mom kicking it with the opposite sex, even when they knew them for decades. It’s a respect thing. Plus, like me, my parents are super possessive of each other. Ultimately, I think I’d like to have a relationship similar to theirs. One where there’s no grey area to have to navigate, with the other person being mindful of what your boundaries are, and getting most of your needs met by your person so that you don’t have to have them met by external folks. In the meantime, those platonic friendships end up feeling like placeholders for what most of us really want (or at least me): our forever person.