Why I Don’t Ask About Sig Others

So I ran into a guy friend at a cookout. Cookouts are a crapshoot because you tend to run into people you may not have seen for a while. I, more than anyone else, know that so much life can happen to you in a matter of months. So events like these tend to be a bit awkward because you’re constantly being put in the hot seat, especially if you’re attached in any way. If folks know you’re in a relationship and that person isn’t with you at that moment, you’re consistently being asked where they are and how they’re doing. What makes these interactions off-putting is that most folks don’t know how to read the room when peppering folks with these questions. That’s why I stopped asking “how’s so and so?” when I don’t see the significant other. So much goes on in a few months. I know for some, 4-6 months doesn’t seem like a long time but it feels like a lifetime when you’re dealing with relationships, especially unmarried folks.

In this case, I’ll call this guy friend “Roger”. This is the third time I’ve seen him in the last 6 months. Previously, when I would run into him, he’d be joined at the hip to his girl. This time around, I didn’t see her (the host is mutual friends with both parties). I wanted to ask about her, but was hesitant to because I don’t know what their status is currently and I didn’t want to put him in the uncomfortable position to have to explain why she’s not there. It could be nothing, right? Roger and I start talking about our travels and Summer plans. He proceeds to tell me that he’s planning some solo trips, with a strong emphasis on “solo”. I have known him to travel with his new girlfriend, so the fact she wasn’t mentioned…interesting. Their story was an interesting one. They met each other during the pandemic. I remember distinctly hearing about their story because most people I knew who were coupled up were going through it at that time. Some of those relationships didn’t make it out of 2020/2021. Many relationships were tested. Those who made it through barely made it unscathed. So to hear about this new budding relationship gave me hope that I too could find my person during that dreary time.

Fast forward three years later, Roger and his girl seemed to be going strong (not without the occasional rumor here and there) but if they are okay with each other, who am I to judge or care? The reason why I don’t ask when I don’t see the other person is I know how it feels to have egg on your face when a relationship doesn’t work out, and you’re having to explain their absence for what seems like an eternity. You may have even moved on and healed and yet everyone else wants to keep you in a perpetual state. I know what it’s like to build a relationship with someone long-term, to the point where you merge lives, you share friends, your families are involved with each other, etc. Then the relationship comes to a screeching halt, not leaving you enough time to get your bearings. Not enough time to iron things out or to plan what life will look like without said person. Meanwhile, life goes on. Most people don’t have a clue what’s going on with you. So when you are met with that uncomfortable question at an event, you’re left with the uncomfortable task of having to explain away why they’re not there. I don’t want to put anyone through that so that’s why I don’t ask anymore. Instead, I wait for the information to be offered up.

I know what it feels like to be asked that dreadful question “where’s so and so?” It stops you in your tracks, leaving you to dig deep inside to find a reason good enough to satiate the appetite of everyones curiosity. You’re not doing it for you, you’re doing it to appease others. I remember there was a point where I dreaded going to events, especially events or places where I knew I would either be asked about an ex or would be given a message to pass on to him. The worst place this happened to me was at a friend’s father’s funeral. Her husband met my ex ONE time and felt the need to ask about him. When I told him we had broken up a while ago, he seemed so disappointed and asked what happened. I chuckled to myself because I distinctly remember my ex meeting him and later that evening telling me that he thought the guy was a fuddy duddy. I remember there was a point where right after our break up, my ex told me that his father asked for me at an event we had initially planned on going to together. Instead of telling his father the truth, he told his father that I wasn’t feeling well (we had been broken up for a few months at that point). This irked me. The fact that he took the cowardly way out. It shouldn’t matter what lies he tells his peeps about why I’m not around but to tell his father, someone I had a rapport with, a lie about why I wasn’t around hurt deeply. Made me wonder what other lies he told to keep from taking accountability.

So yeah, I stopped asking people about their significant others (except for when I know them personally and I’m up to date on their status). Not because I don’t care, just don’t want to put anyone in an uncomfortable position to have to explain away the absence.  Maybe one day Roger will work up the courage to explain what happened to “so-and-so”. I ran into another friend before bumping into him, and she asked me if I’ve seen Roger‘s girlfriend and whether they were still together. I thought she would’ve learned her lesson considering this happened at another get-together we were at, with a different guy friend (who’s girl was also visibly absent), who basically told her to mind her business. I’m all for minding no one else’s business but my own.