When I Started to Get Serious About Having Kids

The short answer: my niece and oldest nephew, who are in their late teens now, got me to consider kids seriously. They are my biggest motivators. I remember prior to them blessing our family with their presence, I wasn’t sure how I felt about kids. Keep in mind, I was in my early twenties, still trying to figure out life and kids seemed like they’d be an obstacle to the goals I wanted to accomplish. Despite that, I had my timeline. Get married by 25, buy our first home together, start having children by 30 and probably make a life-changing move with my family to another country because even back then, I wanted my kids to grow up in a better environment than I did.

What’s that saying, “we make plans and God laugh’s”? My life trajectory was unconventional for starters. I bought my first home at 24/25, dove in to my work even more, moved out of my home state in my early 30’s and have been trekking ever since. I had a long-term relationship that I thought would lead to me completing the puzzle but turns out kids and marriage weren’t my exes goal. At that point, it felt like I had wasted precious years of my life. I tried to convince myself that kids were no longer a priority for me (me being a realist), until the pandemic hit and our world was rocked. I remember having a candid conversation with my nephew, during one of very few visits to my hometown during the ‘demy, who flat out asked me “when are you going to give me some cousins?” He was sixteen at the time, so I was flabbergasted to be called out in that way by him. When I asked him why, he said he always envisioned being part of a large family with siblings and lots of cousins that would become instant friends. He said out of everyone, he expected I would be next to grow the family. I didn’t get too much in the weeds about the subject with him, but I remember replying “God willing” and kept it moving.

During that same trip, I also got to see the newest addition to our family: my baby nephew. My older sister had just given birth to him. Holding him close to my chest awakened something in me. Smelling that new baby smell, seeing him struggle to open his almond-shaped eyes, and moving his head around, looking for his source of food, gave me the warm fuzzies that soon to be moms I knew would gush about. Given that my sister had given birth to him in her 40s, it gave me hope that I, too, could also have my own bundle of joy.

When I returned home from that trip, there was a loneliness that washed over me. Of course a man could’ve filled that void but I had a feeling that it wouldn’t be enough. I started to look at all of my friends who were either married or single moms and thought how nice it would’ve been to have a small human, a person that I created, to grow with. As soon as that thought entered into my head, I quickly put it on the back burner. After all, how could that dream be realized without my forever person? Not once did I ever consider doing it on my own, especially after the example my parents had shown me as a unit doing it together. So until that person comes, it’s more of an after thought.

I’ve been visiting with family on my most recent trip back home. I stumbled into another conversation, this time with my niece, posing that same question my nephew had asked me several years earlier. I told her what would need to happen in order for that goal to be achieved. I also asked her “why” and her response was simple: “You will be an amazing mom. Your kids will have the best life.” It’s not the first time I’ve heard this. I had a similar talk with a cousin of mine last Fall. She said that she’s always noticed how fiercely protective I have been of the children in my life and that she knows that my kids would have the best. She also entrusted me with her own child, in case life took a turn, and I felt honored. What my niece and nephew don’t know, and what I hope to soon share with them, is that I view them the same way. What makes me more sure about bringing life into this world, is that my children (if ever blessed to have them) will have my niece and nephew to look up to. They are the most well-rounded kids that I know. Like me, they were forced to grow up fast at an early age and have a deep profound way of looking at the world. They are old souls who’ve identified early on that there are patterns of trauma that need to end with them. They, too, are extremely protective of their younger siblings, family members and friends. They make me so proud of being an aunt!

While I wait, I’ve been doing the self-work to prepare for that time. Been having lots of conversations with health care providers and my peers. The gist of those convos consist of how to create an environment conducive to growing a healthy little human and focusing on how to get healthy physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. This season has been particularly rough for me because I’ve been in this limbo. Having to make so many major decisions that will have a major impact on my future and feeling alone in making those decisions. It’s not how I thought it would be. However, building legacy is the goal and so I must move forward into the unknown. I am terrified, but have been steeped in prayer, asking for much needed guidance. In the next few days, I am set to start testing to see what the numbers (eggs, sorry for the oversharing) are. I want to know what my odds are and how much additional work I will need to do to realize that dream. I was speaking with a close family friend and shared some of my fears. Her reply: “Is there anything God can’t do?” So I will continue to move by faith…