Contemplating a Return Home

After being away for 13 days, I expected to come home to a bunch of half dead plants. To my surprise, the plants at the front of the house seemed to have bloomed even more. I did have to do a little pruning of the plants throughout the house and pull off a few dry leaves (and need to replace a bamboo stalk). Otherwise, they were in great shape. Before I left, I made sure to water them a little bit more than usual, anticipating being away for 10 or so days. I opted to drive to MA in case things got too heavy, I could dip out sooner to escape the chaos. This time, that’s not what I did. Instead, I sat in it, soaked it up, reacted to each situation and moved through the days with a new determination. I’ve been at a crossroads since the beginning of the year, wondering what my next steps in life should be. I’ve made many treks back home since my move to Philly. Too many to count. Some have been a blast and others have been doozies. There were times when I questioned whether I made the right decision to leave and other times when I couldn’t wait to return to Philly after an emotionally taxing time away. This trip was different in that it gave me both feelings. The fight or flight urges were strong and I went through every emotion in the span of several days it seemed. It was like being on an emotional roller coaster of highs and lows. I allowed myself to feel everything and it left me open in a way that was unsettling and made me want to run.

Usually, when I come home for a longer period of time, I stay with friends. Doing so gives me the needed balance between the familial interactions, the release of detaching from drama and the joy & comfort that connecting with friends brings. I didn’t have that option this time around and instead stayed at my family’s home: the home base of the majority of the problems I faced on this trip. It was probably for the best because it forced me to deal with conflicts head on and confront those sources more directly. When things got especially heated, there was no where to run. One thing I know for sure is that I probably won’t put myself in that predicament again. Even if I have to book a room at an extended stay hotel. I realize that peace of mind is valuable and priceless. No good comes from putting yourself at the eye of any storm. Being back home, I fell into a familiar dynamic: the responsible daughter who gets to the bottom of all the family’s troubles, solving all the problems and speaking truth to power when others fall back while I do all the labor. That ish is exhausting! I was emotionally drained on this trip and it seemed like I was taking all of the hits left and right. That is one dynamic I don’t miss being away from home.

Back to why I’m contemplating a return. The main reason: to be closer to my parents, primarily my mom. Today marks 253 days since my mom left home. She’s suffered one health setback after another and has been moved from ERs, ICUs, general hospitals and now at another rehab/long term care facility. She should’ve been home in April but due to the negligence of the last facility she was rehabilitating at, she coded twice and reverted back to square one of the recovery process. To make matters worse, after convincing my father and I that she was in the best place to get better quickly, the switch was flipped and now it’s sounding like they want to keep her indefinitely. Culturally, my people don’t believe in putting our elders/parents in facilities for care, which is what has made this time especially hard on our family. Getting her out of it is proving to be difficult (thank’s to medicare, a greedy administration and lack of availability of outpatient services), especially with me being so many miles away. I keep stressing to the rest of my family and siblings that my mother needs a consistent familial presence around her so that they see that she is loved and cared for and will do right by her. Unfortunately, not all of my family understood the assignment, which has put the burden mostly on my dad (and me, when I’m home) to carry. Luckily, we have all the tools at my parents home to give my mother the care that she needs. It’s just a matter of how to get her out and into the comfort of her home. I’d be able to manage her situation and help out my dad more if I was closer. A couple of issues were uncovered while I was home, things that were under my dad’s radar and it’s because he’s been so distracted with my mom. As a result, “vultures” have swooped in to take advantage of their vulnerable situation. Makes me wonder how much more has slipped passed my dad. Before I left, I had to institute some checks and balances as preventative measures. It would be so much easier to manage if I was home though. Another reason for a return home: being around more for my niece and nephews. My oldest nephew graduated high school this year and my niece has another year of high school left. Both have been having a go of it when it comes to navigating life. Even though they have their parents, it seems like they lack the right community to support them in their development. I do the best I can to counsel them from afar but it doesn’t seem like enough. I also have 2 other younger nephews that I feel like I’ve missed a lot of their lives and it saddens me. I have a godson that I barely know because I never have enough time to visit him when I’m around. Sadly, I haven’t laid eyes on my only surviving grandparent in God knows how long. These are all situations that would be remedied if I moved back.

Of course (drumroll) another good reason to return home would be for love. It’s funny, one of the many reasons I left Boston was because the dating scene was grim. Anyone from here will tell you that dating in MA is the pits. You’re better off meeting your person elsewhere, then moving to Boston together. The reverse doesn’t tend to happen. I know more divorcees from my generation than I do happily married couples. Of all the couples I know who are married in my hometown, only one couple who is still together is from here and met here. The others were either transplants from other places or left after they got married. Earlier his year, I decided to get back in these dating streets again. Since I was traveling back and forth between Philly and MA, I broadened my horizons and dated in both places, with the hope that I would meet someone in my hometown and that would be a sign for me to move back. I did finally meet someone and embarked on a long distance relationship. What I didn’t anticipate was how difficult it would be to navigate with 300 miles between us. No one tells you how incredibly lonely it can be, especially if you both lead really busy lives. The main issue I have found is maintaining a constant flow of communication. Even worse, things getting lost in translation because the majority of your connections are happening over the phone when you’re apart. Face time with the other person is essential to building a strong foundation. Otherwise, how does your relationship withstand the hurdles that it may encounter? How do you get to really learn a person? What happens during those gaps of time when you aren’t together? Can love grow in those spaces? It’s all new territory for me. I don’t know what the future holds for me in the love department but know that whichever journey I embark on has to have compromise, effort and intentionality wherever we may be located. And of course, a move is inevitable.

Piggybacking off of love is building family as another reason to return home. Once you find love and start building a family, having a support system to help nurture that family is essential. Who in your network can you lean on? Philly doesn’t really have that. All of my friends here either don’t have kids or the ones that do, their kids are grown, so the parents are in party/making up for lost time mode. I was talking with one of my guy friends recently and told him that I have been considering kids. His reply: “why would you want to put yourself through that? Don’t you enjoy the freedom?” Mind you, he’s a whole divorcee with 4 children. Honestly, that’s the mindset of most of my network in Philly and I totally get it. Philly is a fun place to be a single person but the hustle and bustle of the city can burn you out as well. The way I see it is I have had so much fun, but can add another layer to that with family. There is this fear that play time is over once kids enter the picture. I think your life becomes enhanced in a different way. Yesterday, I went to visit one of my cousin’s on my trip home. We hadn’t seen each other since before the pandemic. He’s a few years younger than me but has been married for over 10+ years. He is living the dream in the suburbs of MA, with his wife and 3 kids. He is settled and enjoying being a husband and a dad, taking his role of protector and provider seriously. When I met their newest baby (soon to be 2), I couldn’t believe how much time had passed since I last saw them. Their other kids, once tiny humans, were so tall and big. There was a point in our lives growing up, that my cousins and I were always at each others houses. We were witnesses to each others lives. Moving back home, I would be regaining that.

I was on a bit of a listening tour during this visit, hoping to hear things to bring clarity to my next steps. One theme that kept coming up, especially from all of my family and a few of my friends, is that I was the “glue” that held everyone together. I was always bringing my people together. My family/extended family would have so many gatherings. I would host my cousins at my parents house for Sunday dinners, followed by movie nights. We would rotate where we’d host dinners and would do large group outings. When I bought my own home in MA, I would find every excuse to host get-togethers and bring all of my friends and family together to meet, be merry and break bread. Whether it was a “Summer Solstice” party, “Welcome to Autumn” kickback or holiday event, I was always in communion with my people. When I moved away, I thought my friends and family would continue the traditions we started but that hasn’t been the case, and that makes me sad. I miss how communal we all were and if I were to move back, I look forward to getting back to that level of connecting again. To me, it would be a win-win and so with that I am starting to map out what a return home would look like. Stay tuned…