Those Left Behind

I jump at the chance to meet my friends’ parents. I liken it to putting a puzzle together, finding the missing piece. Even though I think I know all there is to know about a person, meeting their biggest influences, the people that raised them, makes it all come together. This past weekend, I got the opportunity to meet my friend’s father, who was visiting from the south. The minute I introduced myself to him, it was like I was looking into my friend’s face. She is the spitting image of her dad. Same eyes, same teeth, same smile. It’s funny, I’ve met women who, when told they look more like their fathers, take offense. They act like you’re calling them mannish, which so isn’t the case. My friend’s father is well into his 70’s but I can tell that he definitely was a looker back in the day. She definitely came from good stock!

A small group of us got together to celebrate my friend’s upcoming birthday at her home. As we waited for the food to finish grilling, my friend’s dad was dropping his gems of wisdom on us. We talked about faith, the north vs. south, current events and just life in general. Practically every subject under the sun was discussed. Most of all, we got to know him on a deeper level and he inquired about us as well. There was a moment when he referenced his late wife, who had passed away some time ago. He had this sparkle, this light in his eyes when he spoke of her. It was really sweet. It made me think of life and love. Imagine meeting your love, your person and spending 40+ years together. Building a family and a home together, only for you to lose them. Some couples are so intertwined that you can’t imagine one without the other. What is that saying, “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”? We’re not talking about a breakup. The biggest heartbreak is loving someone, anyone, and losing them forever. The thought of it scares me. However, I often wonder if the memories you build are enough to sustain you, warm your heart on those lonely nights when you roll over in bed, out of habit, only to be hit with the realization that your loved one isn’t there.

I thought back to another widower I used to talk to a while back. He was a father of 2 teen boys, who had lost his wife 10+ years ago. I found this out on our first date and I immediately became sad. I could see the pain in his eyes. I asked him how he knew he was ready to date again, and he said he felt like he had enough time to heal. He said that when he had gotten married years ago, he intended on staying married forever but the universe had other plans. He was ready to do it all again because he wanted to be married again and wanted to give his sons a stepmom. I remember him asking me if I could love his boys as if they were my own. When I told him I was contemplating having a child, he immediately tried to talk me out of it. I think back to him because, again, there was that sparkle (like my friend’s dad) when he talked about his late wife.

Most widowers I’ve talked to, both young and old, have something in common. It seems like the spouses who have passed on get elevated to sainthood. One thing’s for certain, they can never be replaced. So for the men and women coming after them, there is this gaping hole in their loved ones lives and the mere thought of someone coming in to fill it is unimaginable. With the lad I used to talk to, I knew I didn’t want that life. One where I would be living in another woman’s shadow, constantly being compared to her. I wanted to leave my own footprint and build a life together with a significant other instead of stepping in to fill a void. Those who’ve experienced the loss of a spouse deserve to be loved. I believe they can love again, as long as they have the capacity to let you all the way in to their heart. Just know, that those they’ve lost will always hold a space in it.