Fall: A Season for Purging

I woke up in the middle of the night and been having a hard time falling back to sleep, so here I am. I’m a little sore from the yard work I did earlier and still recovering from my exposure to what I think was poison ivy (in the worst place too, my face). The welts are mostly on my forehead and temples. Aside from that, I’m feeling pretty good about the end result of my back yard. I had been neglecting it for some time now and hadn’t really used it or entertained in it all Summer. I’m hoping to at least host one kickback in it this Fall and I’m envisioning roasting marshmallows in the fire pit and grilling hearty, seasoned meats.

I was supposed to go on a brunch food crawl in South Philly this Saturday but due to the impending storms, the food crawl has been postponed. I was looking forward to getting out of the house, but it’s probably best I stay in anyway. There are so many home projects I need to tackle and this first Fall, rainy weekend is the best time to knock more tasks off of my to do list. I’ve been in purge mode lately, just feeling like my whole life has been one big pile of clutter. When I visited home recently, I damn near emptied my closet to bring up to my niece and older sister, who luckily are able to fit into my clothes. The purge is real! You ever get so sick of the clutter and stuff surrounding you that you just want to offload it all and start from scratch? I’m in that phase now. A few days ago, I pulled all of the remaining clothes out of my closet and have been sorting them based on what I want to donate, give to my family, sell or throw away. I have stuff in there that I haven’t worn in years. All of these formal work clothes I no longer have a need for. Warm weather clothing that I have yet to squeeze into. I plan to go Marie Kondo-style in this purge process (i.e., holding up each item and asking myself “does this bring me joy?) It’ll be interesting to see what I’ll be able part with.

When I first moved out of my parents house into my own place 17 years ago, I didn’t bring any furniture, only clothes, wares and books. I started with a two-bedroom, which I lived in for almost 9 years. When I was moving to a 500 square foot apartment in Downtown Philly, I gave away a lot of things and kept it simple. Same was the case after that for the next apartment (600 square feet in Northwest Philly). So when I moved to my home almost 3 years ago, needless to say, I have accumulated a whole lot of stuff. Now, with a possible relocation on the horizon, I need to pare down to the essentials again. Question is, what do I keep and what do I get rid of? I consider myself a bit of an organized hoarder. The goal is to become more of a minimalist, not bogged down by things and able to pick up and go without a worry. I’m hoping to accomplish a whole lot this weekend.

Purging to me isn’t only in the material sense. There are lots of habits that weren’t serving me in previous seasons. For one, mule-ing myself has got to stop. I’ve always been one to take on way too much. At work, I am over-loaded, usually because when folks get word that you are good at what you do, they insist on only coming to you. I’m part of a team of 5 (down a person for several months) and the work is supposed to be divvied up based on each of our areas of expertise. Even though we’re supposed to be able to do all functions, each of us are subject matter experts in specific areas. We even have a whole chart that reflects this and is shared broadly amongst all staff. Well, that chart doesn’t seem to matter to most of the people I support. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ll initiate a virtual handoff between a colleague and a client, and the client will always circle back to me to see the tasks through and it’s irksome. Despite all of my pushback, I find myself taking care of things that shouldn’t be on my plate. As a result, I am left feeling burnt out and irritated because I feel like there is no concern for how I feel. It doesn’t help that I am not one who feels comfortable asking for help. By the time I finally do, I’m already hella overwhelmed. I want to divorce this way of working.

Another bad habit I’d like to part with is de-prioritizing myself. I am one to put myself on the back burner when it comes to those I care about. It’s a level of martyrdom that has become way too commonplace for me and it only breeds resentment. I’m currently in a season of life where I’m having to “parent” my parents. It’s a shift I was not prepared for. Culturally, when a child grows up, there is this level of duty you have to always be ready to take on for your family, but especially for your aging parents. You would think that having a slew of siblings and relatives in close proximity would help ease the load. When you’re dealing with prideful parents who don’t feel comfortable approaching your other siblings for help (because they haven’t taken initiative to offer assistance), me being the “responsible” one, everything falls on me. I’ve taken each challenge head-on, but have had to sacrifice so much in the process. Aside from time, money, and energy, I’ve sacrificed emotional well-being and even friendships/relationships. Even though I don’t mind being there for my family, it’s left me emotionally & physically drained and trying to pull from outside resources to make up for the lack. All of that came to a head recently. I was probably in my weakest state and I found myself expecting for folks to show up for me the way I have been doing, and it blew up in my face. I realized that I need to be better at saying “no”, “not right right now” or “I don’t have the bandwidth, so here’s another resource…”. There’s all this talk about living a “soft life”. Recently, I’ve found myself using that same terminology, wanting that for myself. What I realized is living such a life requires effort and intention. Yes, I can be there for my family but I need to know when to disengage when I feel like I’m becoming depleted. I miss the “happy go lucky me”. Nowadays, there is this level of cynicism that plagues most of my interactions. I’m definitely more mindful of that now and I’m actively trying to reverse those feelings when I feel them coming on. This week was particularly lovely because I did more for myself and I could feel the old (the lighter, fun version) of me peeking her head out. Oh, how I’ve missed her! Welcome back!

Lastly, a habit I cannot wait to part with is looking to others to make me happy. I used to be the one that would tout that “happiness is a state of being, regardless of outside influences”. Actually, now that I think of it, I want more joy in my life. Joy, to me, seems more internal and can’t be affected by the outside world and negative factors. I remember being in the lowest place in my life but inner joy and hope radiated through me to give me comfort that I wouldn’t remain in that place forever. Joyous me is a beautiful sight to see. What makes her so appealing is that she also attracts people who vibrate at a higher frequency, which is one of the reasons why I become a recluse in my down times to avoid dragging people down in my funk and being a magnet for unhappy people. After all, like attracts like. As I sit here typing, I hear the rain outside, announcing the dreary, wet weekend to come. I’m determined not to let it ruin these next few days. SAD (seasonal affective disorder) is around the corner, so I am cutting it off at the pass.