God Makes Beauty in All Seasons

As I was catching up with my favorite Aquarian this weekend, discussing recent events and what’s to come in the new season, she said something that touched my spirit and warmed my heart: “God makes beauty in all seasons”. The weather these last 2 days has mirrored the lows of my mood lately but I have been determined not to wallow in that negative space for too long. Instead, I look forward to what the upcoming seasons will bring and it fills me up with hope.

I think back to what the beginning of the year looked like. January 1, 2023 in the dead of Winter, I got a frantic call that my mother had to be rushed to the ER for what felt like the 100th time in the past few years. I initially thought it would be like any other time previous, where she’d spend a stint in inpatient care before being sent home. The gravity of my mother’s situation was worse than expected. My family didn’t know if she would recover as quickly but we always had hope and enveloped her with so much love and prayer, knowing deep down that anything was possible with God at the center. Her road to recovery was long but we had no doubt that she’d get better. I remember visiting her and seeing how frail she still was but she had a warrior’s spirit and I knew she would overcome her setback. What I saw then was a woman determined to get better and return home to her family. I finally felt a weight being lifted off of my shoulders. I was ready to seek out my own happiness.

Winter is always a lonely time for me. Being so far away from my hometown and grappling with the seasonal blues, I needed a change and felt ready to pursue dating seriously again. Before, I would dabble here and there, would get disappointed, go back into my shell and poke my head back out again. So many conversations, so many dates and facades to decipher. I tried to keep an open mind but trying to figure out who was genuine and who was playing the same old games was exhausting. I decided to shift my approach and go in with no expectations, just seizing opportunities to meet new folks that could either become fast friends or much more. I changed my outlook on the process, radiated positivity and prayed every step of the way. This changed my trajectory in the best way and I met so many wonderful lads. There were a few that I learned to evade early on because their true colors shown through. I took those experiences as lessons and kept trekking along. Because I was being intentional this time around, it became easier to suss out those I wasn’t aligned with.

As I was heading into the Spring season, I met someone special. I was still grappling with my mom’s situation, which had worsened by that point. Embarking on this new relationship made it easier to get through. For the first time, I felt like I had someone for me and when things got rough on the family front, I had someone I could escape to. Almost made me forget the trying times I was experiencing. Of course I saw it as a gift from the universe. It made me feel stronger, like I could handle anything. When sadness would creep in, I’d think about that special someone and it would calm me. Was this the person I had been seeking? Was this who I asked God for? Could I be so lucky? Only time would tell. After attending my cousin’s wedding in Jamaica, and seeing love on full display, it gave me hope that epic love and marriage could be in the cards for me.

Spring into Summer was a whirlwind of emotion, both highs and lows. The highs revolved around the new Mr. The lows were everything else (family, work and other personal issues). As I traveled back and forth between Philly and Boston, I became more and more entrenched in this new relationship. The commute wasn’t the smoothest but with this something new to look forward to, it softened it all and made it bearable. Made it worth it. This past Summer was epic. A semi-long road trip, an amazing Jazz festival in (singing) “Oh Canada”, with mini-adventures along the long way, were unforgettable. I was there (Boston), he was here (Philly) and we went away, over yonder. It solidified what I was feeling: we could actually really do this. This long distance thing could possibly work and what we were building was beautiful.

And just like that, it ended as quickly as it started. A whirlwind romance that seemed to fizzle out the moment life started life’ing. Late Summer, leading into Fall. Anyone who knows me knows how deeply I fall. I always start out hopeful, trying to avoid dragging baggage from past failed relationships. What I didn’t anticipate was, under stress and pressure, our shadow selves reared their ugly heads. Emotional immaturity, pride and ego took over. I guess I always imagined that we could get over every hurdle, no matter how big or small. The issues were things that could’ve been worked out. Compassion, strengthened communication and less distance were a few of the solutions I envisioned could’ve worked. Sadly, I was wrong. You ever look over your life and watch it playing out before your eyes, powerless to stop the impending doom ahead? I often wonder, could I have stopped the train wreck? Or was it bound to happen anyway? I try to find the silver lining in all the bad. Maybe it’s better that things came to a screeching halt now. What if we had more time, energy and lives invested in this? If this had happened later, would it have been more difficult to bounce back from? Every ending is like a death. Feels like you’re in mourning. Your lives become so intertwined that it’s difficult to imagine life without the other person. As you move forward, there is a gaping hole where the other used to be.

I ask myself at times, was it because I had been in a low point earlier in the year, starving for comfort and a respite from the family woes I was experiencing, that made me glom onto this relationship? Did I make it out to be more than it was? Did this person show signs that they weren’t really healed from past trauma and I just ignored it? I guess it doesn’t matter now. Everything serves a purpose and maybe one day it’ll all make more sense to me. One ray of light at the end of this crappy rainbow is that there’s been some movement with my mom’s situation. A chance that she’ll be able to come home soon (waiting on referrals). I got the call from the administration where she’s staying the day after I returned from Boston. During my visit home, my mother was making more effort with her recovery. All of our attempts to get her out of there and home seem to finally be working (had some tense run ins with staff my last visit there, will expound in a later post) but I won’t believe it until I see it. I’ll be back home next month, praying that my mom will be home by then and look forward to ending that trip celebrating with my cousin and her husband (the one that got married earlier this year) at their baby shower. Like my dear friend said earlier, “God makes beauty in all seasons”.