My “Why”

I started blogging off and on during the Tumblr era 11ish years ago, a time when other writers on that platform were trying to maintain some mystery while trying to connect with their audience in a real way. There was a rawness that I appreciated in the content. Some of the best blogs I followed back then were on Tumblr. I, myself, tried to strike that same balance in my writing and reposts. When I think back to my social media presence at the time, the folks from my generation definitely did a lot of over sharing. We were always in our feelings, sharing our innermost thoughts as status updates, especially on Face Book. Beefs and dramas played out in open forum on there, with no one seeming to care that some of the stuff they shared may come back to bite them later on. I don’t think any of us were mindful of the lasting impact our online presence would have for years to come.

When I think back to some of my old statuses, I cringe at times. Not that they were problematic, they were just too real and probably too much for FB. When I was feeling down, you would know. When I was in love, I was waxing poetic. Haikus and journal entries filled my timelines. I was probably too open. Many of us were. There’s much less of that now from my peers on FB. Instagram wasn’t too bad but again folks started with the subliminal memes that seemed to take shots at certain people. I’m not judging because I, too, was guilty of sending those shots every now and then. Nowadays, most folks are only sharing and posting about their highs and rarely about their lows. You’re usually getting highlight reels, only the good parts that the posters want you to see. I know this because folks I know personally, whose lives I’m intimately familiar with, fall into the demo that tries to paint a much flowery picture of their lives than actually is. Of course, when the bad happens and it’s finally revealed, it leaves so many wondering, “I thought they were okay”.

I barely share on social media these days. It’s not what it used to be. Even though my pages are fairly restricted to the public for professional reasons, I realized early on that there’s no point in sharing so many intimate details with folks that I used to know. Former classmates from grade/high school/college, old colleagues, previous neighbors, exes and old acquaintances I used to hang tough with (who are now distant strangers) probably shouldn’t be privy to the inner workings of my life and mind. That’s where my blog comes in. When I initially started it, it was to keep my closest peeps updated on my life. I had only shared it with my connections on Instagram because that curated list of followers represents a smaller subset of folks that I’m more intimately connected to. After being on a long hiatus from writing for the public space, I was itching to hone in on my writing skills again and figured I could kill two birds with one stone. Over the years and having my people scattered all over the world, it’s not as easy to pick up a phone and catch up with everyone. My blog is a way to communicate how life has been and serves as an outlet to release any pent up thoughts and energies, with the hope that folks will relate and walk away with some takeaways.

This weekend was bittersweet. After attending a funeral yesterday for a friend who had passed away earlier in the week, our friend group decided not to skip the repast (which is usually reserved for close family). We all had long drives back to Philly from Newark, NJ and had another event to attend later that evening. After a heartwarming welcome from our friend’s mother and her expression of gratitude for being there for her, not attending the repast didn’t feel right. As we all arrived at the venue, we sought each other out and sat together. The main topic on all of our minds was how do we stay more connected as a group on a regular basis. This year was a bit touch and go for many of us. We were disjointed. Even though we are able to come together to celebrate friends who have passed and the occasional birthday celebration, we acknowledged that we need to be more intentional about how often we come together. We ended the evening continuing to celebrate our friend with a game night, one of her favorite events to attend.

My upcoming regular visits home will be serving a similar purpose. Again, they mostly revolved around my parents and my once significant other. I yearn for more face time with all of my people. All of the losses we’ve suffered have shone a light on the importance of connection. I do believe there is a healing energy that gets transmitted from one to another when you are able to hug them and squeeze them tight. Being able to look in one’s eyes and peer into their soul is powerful. Even though the pandemic forced us to move in silos, many of us had a really hard time navigating that way of living. I was one of those people who talked about “thriving” in isolation in the beginning months. I was so wrong and low ley fronting! I realized how much we need each other and I’m relieved that I came to that realization before it’s too late and in time to actually do something about it. We’re all trying to do our best but I recognize it’ll take lots of effort from all parties. This blog is one attempt of maintaining that connection.

Feeling run down by the week, I managed to get myself in the gym this morning. While there, I saw a familiar face and immediately perked up. I was really excited to run into this person since I hadn’t seen them in a minute. What I saw instead was a coldness and standoffishness that was super off-putting. A complete contrast from all the nurturing, loving energy from my other friend’s the day prior. At first, I couldn’t understand what warranted that reaction and was so disappointed because I had genuinely liked this person. I hadn’t known them that long and unfortunately, when life took a turn for me this year, it didn’t leave me much time or energy to pour into them and they became collateral damage. How were they to know all that I had going on? I was also keeping the same energy I was receiving, which wasn’t much. My nearest and dearest know that we can go months without speaking and pick up where we left off. A lesson learned (even though I’m charging this “friendship” to the game), when trying to build a new relationship, you both have to communicate your needs explicitly. This served as a reminder that I need to pour into those who’ve been pouring into me: my tried and true connections that have stood the test of time. No longer going to throw the word “friend” around so loosely.

I ended the day, celebrating a dear friend’s birthday with our friend group. Someone I would categorize as the “glue” of our group here in Philly. There was a huge turnout at his surprise party. You could feel the love in the room. Folks had so much to say in honor of this man. His girlfriend arranged it all. I remember when she first reached out to invite me. Her instructions were specific and thoughtful. Her goal was to wow the pants off of him. For weeks, we all sat with this secret and when we would see him, had to remind ourselves not to let the secret slip. Luckily, we all succeeded. The party was a success and a full-on lovefest. There were so many happy tears shed. Today epitomized giving someone their flowers while they are still here to smell them. Only fitting for a man who, on the previous day at the funeral, delivered a beautiful eulogy for his dear friend. I, too, strive to do the same for my people and this blog will be one of the avenues I use to do so.