Heal Thy Self

It’s Friday, a little after 7pm and I’m already tipsy. I had hit up one of my home girls to link up for a happy hour that started at 4, at one of our fave spots in our neck of the woods. Premium Italian food with a vast array of options to pick from. Let’s just say, the drinks were flowing and our new “friend” kept them coming. I’m already home early on a Friday night, in front of my computer. Had to cut the night out short because I honestly enjoy the comfort of home. Probably not a good idea to be writing slightly inebriated but oh well, let’s rock with it. Trying to keep my momentum going. Two posts minimum a week is the new goal, so come hell or high water, I’m trying to keep consistent with this here blog.

Earlier, at our staff meeting, our team had a check-in. A general temperature check of each team member. I used to dig deep and let it rip but nowadays, I tread lightly because I realize that just because someone asks you how you’re doing and feeling, doesn’t mean they really care to know. Can you imagine what the responses would be if you kept it all the way real, let folks know how you are feeling at that very moment? Instead of, “I’m doing well, looking forward to a restful weekend”, I’d say how I’m really feeling: “Honestly, I’m trying to stay above water, trying to resist the urge to find the world’s largest pillow and scream into it because if another mofo emails me about another inconsequential thing, asking me to part the Red Sea and turn water into wine, I’m done. When I’m good and done screaming, I’d take my laptop and throw it out the window because yet another person has requested more of me than I have to give, all the while life is still life’ing outside. Otherwise, I’m good. And how are you?” If only…Aside from that, my team does know how to cut up and despite the messes we have to deal with, we know how to have a good laugh and not take things too seriously.

I think when you reach a certain age, there’s a level of IDGAF that you rest in proudly and depending on how you roll, folks know not to hold it against you. “Love truth, pardon error” is one of my favorite Voltaire quotes (he’s a French writer and philosopher from the 17th century). There’s a freedom in being 100% authentically you and I think people are accepting of you when you own your identity, flaws and all. The only challenge is striking a balance so that you don’t hurt those you care about in your IDGAFness. It doesn’t come from a mean-spirited place but I still have to be mindful of how what I say may be received. So far so good but I still welcome any criticism of my delivery.

One of the topics that came up at happy hour was how some men don’t always listen to what we tell them (I know the same can be said for women, but I’m going off my experiences dealing with the male species). One of my examples was, at last week’s game night, I was approached by a lad who was very complementary and was spitting what he thought was his best game. I didn’t want him to waste his time or energy on me, so I kindly told him “I’m not in the headspace to entertain anyone’s son right now, I’m recently out of something”. I wasn’t smiling when I said it, I wasn’t giving him “come hither” eyes, I was dead serious. I needed him to know I meant it. His reply: “This is the best time to get to know someone new”. I told him, “thanks but no, I’m all set. It wouldn’t be fair to you because I’m not in the best place to deal with someone new. Focusing on me right now.” Dude was relentless. Throughout the night, he kept finding opportunities to engage and convince me to give him a chance. I wanted no parts of him. Yes, he was good-looking but the jadedness in me saw it as trickery, an illusion. Not falling for good looks and a chiseled jawline again. Yeah, he was muscular, had his hairline intact and had the signature goatee of a man who is nothing but trouble. I said what I said, but it was as if he saw it as a challenge instead. I wasn’t playing hard to get or being coy. I didn’t want what he was offering. Here I am trying to spare him the potential hurt he has coming his way because the hurt part of me wouldn’t be giving him a fair shot. He wasn’t having it and so I was dipping and dodging him the rest of the night.

I’ve been here before and can now recognize it for what it is. The hurt version of me attracts all types of characters. The women want to get all up in my business, trauma bond and pass on bad advice (i.e., “get under someone to get over someone”). The men want to prove they can fix and heal me, all the while being emotionally unavailable themselves. It’s like I’m a mound of putty they can’t wait to get their hands on to mold to their liking. I sometimes wonder if certain men can see the wounded puppy in me and now see it as their opportunity to pounce. If it were the other way around, I would leave that man be. Hurt men wreak havoc and their rebounds create more devastation (i.e., the guy who had his heart broken in high school is still making other women pay the price well into his 40’s and 50’s). The difference now is that I can see them coming from a mile away and I run for the hills. Why continue to bleed all over everyone in your path? Needless to say, healing is needed all around and I recognize that until my “picker” is fixed, I have no business dating.

This is where the “A-team” comes in. There are different facets of me that I need to work on. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, I need healing. When I was getting my Master’s degree, that process was grueling. It took a lot of gumption, determination, sleepless nights and isolation to achieve. This process of “healing thyself” is much harder than that and requires some of the same things. Why not go at it with the same vigor I did when I was getting my degree? It’s just as important if not more. A couple months ago, I started up therapy again (started group therapy first, now doing individual). I wasn’t dealing with heartbreak then, but was looking for a way to deal with stress. Luckily, I had it in place when other parts of my life started to implode. As I unpack, I am uncovering so much about myself and the unhealthy dynamics that have been the norm for me and my family. Starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have hope and see resolution to a lot of the issues I’ve been dealing with and have been carrying on my shoulders for so long. It’s also been most helpful with unpacking and dealing with work strife.

Physically, I know I need to shed excess weight. It’s been fluctuating over the years but has gotten to the point where it’s no longer tenable. I know I’m not at my best so I’m constantly pushing myself to higher heights. Been trying to keep consistent with the exercise, recruiting accountability partners along the way. My friends have been amazing because they’re all on a similar journey and provide encouragement. I needed to step things up a bit so I have been meeting with a health coach since last Fall. By chance, I ended up needing to switch to another since she had to cancel one session this Spring and thank goodness that happended. My new coach has been a Godsend. She pushes me like no other and gives me the game on how to marry nutrition and fitness to get optimal results. Because of my family’s predispositions to diabetes and hypertension, she’s constantly schooling me on ways to avoid getting to those danger zones. She is my ultimate cheerleader and when I’m not being consistent, she holds me accountable. Recently, we went over my blood work, comparing it to the blood work I had done earlier in the year. All of the “scary” numbers were down!

I kicked things up a notch by recruiting a dietician. No more having to figure out what to do food-wise. She tailors menus for me based on my risk factors and when something isn’t working, retweaks until I find meals that work. One of my colleagues has been using her and has already seen amazing results in a short period of time. I also met with a physical trainer/body sculptor who did an assessment of where I should be. We talked about nature’s medicines versus what traditional doctors keep pushing on the masses, that only treat symptoms but don’t heal the root causes of ailments. We talked about modes of strength training to get my body tight and right. My body goals is me over a decade ago. They’re not as unattainable as I imagined.

As for spiritual health, I’m still staying prayed up and read the Bible daily. Can’t help but feel disconnected still. Even though I’ve been trying to keep up with church virtually, I realize that I also need that in-person element for real connection. So I’m on the hunt for my church home again. I had one pre-pandemic but it was too far away. There are way too many churches close by for me to have to venture so far out. Right now, I’m praying for the right fit. I’m praying that I continue to stay on this journey of healing, both inside and out. I want to give the best version of me, not just to myself but to the world. I’ve seen her before. Currently a work in progress, but looking forward to her unveiling. Until then, keeping my eyes on the prize, keeping my head on a swivel and focusing on the end goals.