Down to the Studs

Sometimes you have to “destroy in order to rebuild”. Figuratively speaking, for me, this involves stripping away all the unnecessary layers that are currently weighing me down. Getting rid of all the low priority items from my life in order to build back better and stronger, prioritizing what’s essential to optimal performance is my goal right now. After returning from my visit home, I resumed identifying those things that were no longer serving me. I’m getting rid of my metaphorical clutter in order to create space for the things, experiences and people I want to attract. Slowly but surely, I am seeing seismic shifts take place and it’s looking promising.

Before I left for my journey home, I had initiated the process of dropping a course I was knee deep in. I had to admit to myself that being so entrenched in a demanding certificate program at this moment was not the best choice for me at this point in my life. I was being pulled in so many directions and accelerated classes and their demands were on the bottom rung of the totem pole of my list of priorities. My time away with family deserved my undivided attention. When I received the approval to drop the course, I breathed a deep sigh of relief. I am grateful that I will be able to pick up where I left off when I’m good and ready. When I did get back from my trip, I met up with friends (old and new) to break bread, catch up and to check-in. So much had been transpiring, not just with me but with everyone. It felt good to connect and touch base with folks, without having the pressure to rush home to write a paper or hop online for a meeting. I had the bandwidth to pour into others and the results were nourishing on all fronts.

Today marks a week since I’ve been back and I’m already planning my next venture home. However, I vow to stay in the present moment and give my undivided attention to whatever I am doing, wherever I am. I’m trying to be more mindful, putting one foot in front of the other instead of rushing to the next thing and the next experience. No more rushing through moments and quickly moving on, I want to savor each and every one. Spring is around the corner and I am trying to prepare for it. I look forward to the renewal the season brings. I think that’s why I love Spring so much. It’s like getting to hit reset and starting fresh with a clean slate. This year, the first day of Spring is on March 19th. I’ve been toying with the idea of hosting a shindig around that time to usher in the new season. I have an appointment for another hair revamp. I’ve still been seeing my dietician, health coach and therapist. I’ve also been keeping up with all of my health check-ins, appointments and blood work, trying to ensure that I remain on track.

My birthday will be here before I know it and I feel ill-prepared for it. There is so much I am hoping to accomplish in the next month and a half before then. I’m trying to prepare for it instead of having it creep up on me like it did last year. Last year wasn’t about me. I wasn’t fulfilling my needs and life was coming at me fast. I want to have some control this time. I already have my spa appointments booked for the day. Debating whether I should take more time off to just “be”. Taking myself down to the studs also entails me getting even more grounded spiritually. No more attending church at bedside Baptist, time to find a new church home. Time to look for a spiritual community, one that I can sow into. I’m starting to fear that some of my prayers are falling on deaf ears. Don’t get me wrong, I feel blessed but can’t help but have this nagging feeling that I should be doing more. I want to live a more intentional God-centered life, one that involves a community of people doing the same. People who understand the path I’m trying to stay on. I’ve been doing my worship solo for a while now and realize I need to do more, what I’ve been doing isn’t enough. No more running away from living my life for HIM. I miss the peace that walking fully with God brings.

As far as physically, I’m a work in progress still. I’ve been losing weight slow and steady. Trying to build a lifestyle that is sustainable long term. I do love getting compliments about how good my skin is looking. It’s not just what I’ve been eating, new regimens and exercise. What’s also been helping is mitigating stress. That has been a game-changer for me. I’m looking for more ways to continue to reduce stress. As for drama, I’ve been doing my best to stay clear of it. No more carrying other people’s baggage. No more dragging my own into new relationships. The best compliment I’ve gotten this year has been that I exude happiness and come off more chipper. That wasn’t necessarily the case around this time last year. What has helped has been combating the negative self-talk that used to play on a loop in my head. I am light and airy nowadays, continually counting my blessings and expressing gratitude.

Another thing that helps, when expelling the negative is having a good cry every now and then. Sometimes, we’re so wound up because we haven’t had a good release. Crying gives me that release. At times, the tears will be brought on by the most random thoughts and memories. It could be a heart-wrenching song that starts to play and then the water works ensue. Recently, I was talking to a friend and her words triggered me but in a good way. I launched into the ugly cry. I was embarassed at first. I was having a vulnerable moment and then I just let go and gave in. I stopped trying to hold it all in. Shortly after that, I launched into fits of laughter when I thought of how ridiculous I looked. And just like that, I felt better again. I needed that release. I am determined to keep taking things one day at a time.

Lastly, the process of rebuilding oneself requires vulnerability and openness to change old habits and patterns that no longer work. It’s back to the drawing board for me. Like I said, I am a work in progress so I am recreating my scripts, creating new manuals of how to ace this thing called life. It’s all TBD but for me I’m excited for what’s to come. I am eager to do the work necessary to ensure I will be a better human being. In turn, it’ll make me a better daughter, sister, friend and partner.