Lazy Sunday

I survived another professional development week at work that was jam-packed with programming. Even though it was a success and my team had a good turnout and lots of interest in the different offerings, I was worn out. Come Saturday, I was ready to have fun for me and to unplug from work. As the years go by, I find that I need a day to recuperate after a late night out on the town. I spent last night immersed in cigars, bourbon, people watching and deep convo. I hadn’t done that in a while and it was a different pace for me. I didn’t let the heavy rains on Saturday deter me from stepping out and being in good company made it worthwhile. Gone are the days where I can keep going straight through the weekend on minimal sleep. When I was planning for the weekend, I had the option to go out today (Sunday) instead but I didn’t want to risk tiring myself out before the beginning of the work week. If I had done so, I would’ve been dragging throughout the week and it would’ve caused a domino effect of exhaustion and discombobulation. Using Sunday to allow me to rest and re-energize before the demands of work come flooding in was a wise choice.

Forming new friendships hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it would be. I usually meet transplants of the male persuasion from other places, looking for someone to explore the city with. It’s always enjoyable seeing the city through their lenses. I’m being constantly reminded why I moved here and what made me fall in love with this city: I’m always meeting other dreamers, people on a search for their version of “happy”. Last night reminded me that I need a balance of male and female energy in my life. I’m mostly canoodling with my gal pals regularly but occasionally need the vibes that my guy friends bring. Not having to be “on” for a potential mate allows me to relax and just be myself, fully. We can enjoy our time out while taking in our surroundings and commentating on what we see, all the while catching up on life, sharing “war” stories and doling out advice to each other about the opposite sex.

After my most recent conversations with my male companions, I realized that roasting is my love language when it comes to them (and most of the men in my life, which also includes my dad). It’s never from a mean-spirited place. We poke fun at each other and laugh like giddy kids. That’s how we show each other love. Like my relationships with my girlfriends, my guy friends also provide a safe space for us to share and be vulnerable. I always walk away with gems from our conversations and because my homies are gentlemen always, I’m continually reminded of the goodness that does exist in male nature but is sometimes masked by pride, bravado and societal pressures to be a certain way. Not all of them are savages with one-track minds, as social media would have you believing. I love how honest they are about where they are in their lives and appreciate the sage wisdom they share from time to time. I will definitely include them in my vetting process while I date (which is something I haven’t done in the past because I wanted to give men a fair shot). They have beautiful souls and can sense that in others. After all, high value men (men of moral character and good standing in their community) can weed out the phonies and their protectiveness provides a covering to the women in their lives. I wish I had leaned on their input more.

I spent most of the day today laid up watching endless YouTube dating shows (the algorithm always seems to play them in endless loops, which gets me hooked). As I was watching, I came to a conclusion: there are droves of shallow men and women out there who are unhealed and should probably focus on personal and professional development instead of dating. They are what’s wrong with the current landscape. There were three different channels that I watched: one show that is based in Nigeria, one in Arizona and one in New Jersey. They all had the same premise: there is either a row of ladies or men, all holding balloons as a man or woman is paraded in front of them. Those holding the balloons pop them based on their interest in the person. I’m not going to name names but you can easily search for these shows on YT and so many variations will come up. The three locations I mentioned seemed to be the more popular ones. Of the three, the Nigerian show is the most popular and most jarring. Here are some of the themes I saw in the show: when it was a man being ranked by the women, the women would pop their balloons if the guy was deemed too short (even if he was taller than them, smh), if he wasn’t dark-skinned (that seemed to be the preference amongst most women), if he wasn’t wearing expensive clothes and if his profession wasn’t deemed corporate enough or profitable. When it was the men’s turn to rate women, they were popping balloons for women who didn’t have a big “gnash” (a big butt), small chests, who were too short, who also weren’t dark-skinned (there were several who had a light-skinned preference although most who preferred darker skin since they see a lot of skin bleaching going on, which they don’t like), and the men also seemed to care about what labels and brands the women were wearing and how much they spent on their outfits as well.

One thing that seemed to matter for both sexes was whether they were educated, had a good profession and presented like someone who had a lot of money. In every show, contestants were asked to list the prices of all the clothing they were wearing. All of the women wanted a “provider” type, even going as far as to ask how much a man was willing to spend on them in a month. The men would respond and give the women an amount, based on how beautiful they deemed them to be. What ensued was a lot of back and forth dissing and reading each other for filth if they weren’t each others types or if the women were insulted by the amounts of money the men were potentially offering if they were to wife them up. I had to do a double-take. If these are dating shows that people are coming on, looking for love and hoping to find matches, why all the back-biting and dissing? A lot of it was aggressive, so much so that they had to have security in the room. There was no considerations for each others feelings and backgrounds. And there was a lot of delusion as well with how folks viewed themselves, especially the women. They were all rating themselves perfect 10’s (when it was clearly not the case) and would curse out all the men that rated them lower. There was some of that delusion on the men’s side too but not as much as the women. The end result was that most folks would leave without a match. Those who were successful were so because they were looking for much more than the material things. It was what was beneath the surface that piqued their interest as well. I am also taking culture into account (is this how dating in Nigeria looks like?)

What made my foray into the dating show streets interesting was that it made me wonder whether these shows are representative of what dating looks like today. Are they a microcosm of what we’re all experiencing? I see it play out time and time again: the majority of women seem to go for the top 1-5% of men (the men that society has deemed to be catches, based on their looks, height and profession) and yet they cry on online forums about how they are getting played by these men. Go figure! Everyone is claiming they are looking for a beauty that is beyond skin deep but the end result is them overlooking quality and going for the “it” guy. What many of them end up with is community peen that they have to share with other women. The men they are vying for may have started out looking for their “one and only” but once they see the droves of women, competing for their attention, they give up on that hunt and instead give in to being the hunted since the odds are always in their favor.

If this is an indication of what the landscape will continue to look like, I want no parts of it. Many of us will end up alone if we keep allowing the mainstream society to dictate who we should be with or find appealing. Anytime I start to talk to someone new, there’s always a small faction of vain women who wants to see what the person looks like so they can pick him apart and it’s usually someone who doesn’t have their own relationship to speak of. No shade to them, but I always think the same way they are judging that person on their looks, someone could also be doing that to them. That was what was the most jarring thing about the show I was watching. The women were rating the men zeros through fours out of ten but would lose their minds when they were also rated low. They couldn’t take what they were dishing and it showed in their reactions. Even those who would’ve went for the guy, would allow their opinions to be swayed by the rest of the group (in my eyes, group think is hurting us). Moral of the story is and has always been that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I accept that I may not be everyones cup of tea. That just means that they are not my person/people. My person will love me inside and out and I them. I have fallen for what is in someone’s heart and mind, not necessarily what’s on the outside. That’s usually an added bonus. Don’t get me wrong, physical attraction is important but looks will fade. They can’t be the end all be all. That’s why there has to be more depth to the people you’re with. I’ve always been a sapiosexual. Always checking for that “nerd” or quiet dude who did his own thing. I realize it is because I saw a lot of myself in them. The sexiest thing is seeing a man dance to the beat of his own drum. I believe if we all did that, unabashedly, it wouldn’t be so hard to get coupled up. I hope the tides will turn soon…