Black Girl On the Mend

After 7 weeks of meeting with my “Black Girl On the Mend” group, it sadly came to a close this week. I looked forward to the sessions and they usually were the highlight of my week. It was a safe space where we could come and let our hair down. Not to vent necessarily, but more so to share experiences with like-minded women, who lent a shoulder and an ear or sometimes even a hug. This space existed for those of us who don’t always feel seen or heard in our everyday lives. Our small group consisted of women who identify as caregivers, nurturers, mothers, sisters, daughters, wives and workers. All who share one common theme: we tend to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders yet rarely feel supported. Often siloed, no one is consistently checking on us. This group provided that check-in.

What was transformative about our sessions was that they weren’t vent sessions. The discussions were facilitated and guided. They gave us the time and space to share best practices, come up with solutions and self-care methods, something I struggle with prioritizing. To me, self care is self love realized. This is my personal motto now. I used to keep telling myself that I don’t always have time to incorporate it on a daily basis. I would constantly deny myself of the things that are meant to strengthen and sustain me, making excuses that there isn’t enough time in the day or telling myself that I’ll get to it later. My focus now is to change my negative self talk and start saying yes to myself more instead of being riddled with guilt for putting myself first.

This week was another trying week. When it comes to my work, I usually end up in spaces where excellence is the standard that is expected from me (not always expected from some of my other counterparts). That level of excellence requires longer work days than necessary, being all things to all people at all times and always saying yes even when your mind & body say otherwise. The burnout is real and it tends to trickle into other aspects of my life. I leave work ran ragged, even on the days when I am working from home. I came to the realization that this way of being isn’t sustainable long term. Something has got to give and it can’t be me anymore!

Also this week, I had to hang the “cool auntie” hat up for the first time and put on the authoritative one. I didn’t expect it to be so uncomfortable. I’m used to my siblings’ kids reaching out to do all the fun things. Generally, I enjoy swooping in and keeping things lit for them when their parents don’t have the time. This week, I finally had to say no and it hurt me. One of my sister’s kid’s was planning on coming to visit solo, which I was down for until I found out permission hadn’t expressly been given for them to travel alone. The expectation was that I would talk my sibling into letting them come (eventually finding out that they had made other plans, while visiting me, that I didn’t jive with). I felt the “no” from the pit of my stomach. It just didn’t feel right, so I had to break the bad news to them and it wasn’t received well. I could feel and hear the pouting on the phone but on this issue, my sibling and I were united. Ultimately, I said it’s not a “no”, just a “not right now”. What I should’ve been honest about early on was that I didn’t have the capacity to host them this week anyway. I am exhausted!

With that visit off the table, relief and inner joy washed over me. Thinking about the energy I get to pour into myself, along with the rest that awaits me (before I travel home), makes me giddy. I’ve gotten so many invites to little kickbacks and events this weekend but I’ve been letting the “no’s” fly. Instead, I’m looking forward to hiking and gardening to clear my head and to clear the internal clutter I feel. I’m looking forward to hitting reset and taking inventory of how I am feeling. My social battery has been running real low, mainly because I haven’t had the time to recharge. I’ve been running on empty.

To be continued…