Another Insomnia Post

It’s been 2 months since my last post. So much life happens whenever I go on hiatus from writing. It often feels like I have to choose between pouring into my blog and keeping my head above water. I went back home for like the 10th time this year, attended a really cool jazz festival in Canada, been having a not so quiet summer on the work front, been getting back in my fitness routine and trying to reconnect with my Philly peeps since I’ve been M.I.A. these last 6 months.

Last week, I had a couple of moments where it all came to a head. I woke up one day and realized that I hadn’t talked to my dad in a while (a couple of weeks at least). A sense of urgency washed over me, so I tried to get a hold of him, unsuccessfully. I tried every number for every location I could think of, for days. I left numerous voicemails, sent texts and even “paged” him and never heard back. Because I hadn’t heard from him, by default, I hadn’t heard from my mom as well. She is newly blind and has been in rehab recuperating from several health crises since the beginning of the year. One of these days, when I can muster up the emotional and mental strength to detail that experience, I will. Needless to say, I was consumed with worry.

To make a long story short, when I’m not with my mom, I have to rely on my dad to call so I can speak with her. So, of course, when I am unable to reach either of them, I go into a panic. Finally, on Sunday, my dad calls and this wave of relief washes over me. It felt so good, I could cry. He was visiting my mom, so I got to talk to her a good long while. I scolded my dad a bit for making me worry. It was on that call that I felt a real shift. What I felt was probably what my parents always felt with me and my siblings all our lives when they didn’t see or hear from us, worrying about our well-being. It was like I was holding my breath all that time until I heard from them.

I go back and forth constantly about whether I should move back home to be closer to my parents, niece and nephews. After all, I have accomplished most of the goals I set out to achieve when I moved to Philly (all but one anyway). There’s a wave of guilt that washes over me. I am missing a lot of their lives. Every time I go back home, it’s as if they’ve aged so much faster. I joke with my dad that he’s no spring chicken because he still has all these goals at his big age. I admire him for it but sometimes the realist in me becomes sad. I try to fight those feelings off and focus on being more hopeful. The dreamer in me seems to be stifled by all of the real ish that has happened this past year.

I’ve seen both my parents sacrifice so much of their lives and themselves to help others realize their dreams. I wish they were able to do that for themselves. Heck, I wish I could do that for them. You can have all the sustenance and resources in the world but if you don’t have good health, the control over your life is mostly out of your hands. This past month, I’ve approached my physical health with a voracity I hadn’t had in a really long time. When they say “health is wealth”, it’s not a cliche. It informs all areas of your life. I don’t want to wake up one day and say “I should’ve done this or that” much better. The time is now.

While I was out running errands late Saturday (after spending the better part of the day laying around, feeling like crap and crying at pet commercials), I ran into a friend in a parking lot. We chatted so long that my gym was going to soon close. I had planned on squeezing in some last minute cardio. I could’ve gone home feeling unaccomplished but instead, I drove to my favorite trail. It was about to get dark soon and there was hardly anyone on it. I made it in time to get 2.5 miles of walking in. It gave me an opportunity to do some soul searching solo, talk to God on a deeper level, surrounded by nature. The next day, after I had talked to my parents, I headed out to run more errands and got another 4 miles of walking on that same trail. It’s a weekly habit I plan to keep, even when life gets out of control. Inhale all of life’s present challenges and exhale possible solutions (and when there are none, being okay with that). Most important of all, making sure to breathe…