What No One Tells You to Prioritize As You Get Older

It’s taken me a while to get back on here consistently. Mainly because life has been life-ing lately. I took an amazing trip to Portugal in December around the holidays and have been in this reflective state since I got back. I didn’t make any resolutions this time around, nor did I update my vision board like I normally do every year. I only vowed to leave as many bad habits in 2021 as I could. These last couple of years have been rough and I wanted to give myself some grace instead of adding pressure to fulfill another long list of goals. We’re all trying to keep our heads above water and that’s more than enough.

I wanted to delve into one of the topics that seems to be a common theme in many of the conversations I’ve been having with friends and colleagues: Specifically, many of the realizations and aspects of getting older I felt I wasn’t prepared for. I keep finding myself asking why didn’t my parents tell me to prioritize certain things. Here are some of the epiphanies and reminders I’ve been having as of late:

1) Just because you’re single and don’t have kids doesn’t mean you don’t need a living & last will and testament. Death is inevitable and grief can bring out the worst in those of us who are left behind. Leave a plan behind for how you want your affairs handled. I remember taking a class in high school in my “Church” class (went to an all girls private Catholic school, so religious studies were embedded in our studies). One of our projects was to plan our funeral and to write a will. It was so freaking eerie at first but I remember throwing myself into that project wholeheartedly. By that point, I had experienced my fair share of losses and had attended many funerals. I could remember certain aspects of those funerals that didn’t sit right with me. For that project, I had created a funeral program, picked out my favorite hymns, scriptures and a theme for the sermon. I even had it all timed to wrap up in an hour. I had to decide how I wanted to be buried, where I wanted to be buried, etc. I had also drafted a will (I didn’t have much then, so it wasn’t that long lol). I was probably 16 or 17 when I took that class and didn’t fully grasp how transformative that assignment would be. It made me realize that death could come at any moment and it’s never too early to prepare for what life and death may bring.

2) If you plan on having the traditional nuclear family (a couple and their dependent children), you should start thinking about this in your early twenties. My parents had stressed the importance of getting a college degree and securing a good-paying job, so I threw myself into my studies and was holding a full-time job while doing so because I didn’t want to be saddled with a crazy amount of student loan debt. This didn’t leave much time to date and my dad warned me not to let men distract me, so I became laser-focused on finishing school and landing a decent job. Not long after graduation, I bought my first place so then maintaining it and being able to afford the mortgage became my focus. I dated but never made marriage a priority in my 20’s, all the while I was getting mixed messages about its utility (my dad changed his tune to “love doesn’t pay the bills”). As I was entering my 30’s, my focus went from being able to support myself to thinking and worrying about who was going to care for my parents when they got older since none of my other siblings seemed give this much thought. So the paper chase ensued, putting the pursuit of marriage on the back burner yet again. Now that I am deep into my 30’s and finally giving building my own family and passing down legacy some serious thought (started to take this more seriously in my last long-term relationship but wasn’t with someone who valued that), it’s seems like I am now playing catch up. Some men purport that they can have kids much later in life but who wants to be running after toddlers in their 50’s? For us women, any pregnancy after 35 is considered “advanced maternal age” also known as “geriatric pregnancy”. There are many advancements such as IVF and surrogacy but the cost is astronomical and there are no guarantees. I mentioned the difficulties around child-bearing that a lot of women have to deal with as we get older to someone I was dating recently and he proposed a womb transplant. This is where we are. There’s at least one man out here who thinks there are extra wombs laying around, waiting to be claimed smh. Again, another one of those things I wish I knew and prioritized sooner.

3) Prioritize retirement planning earlier. So I started to take this more seriously in my late 20’s, thanks to a dear friend from my days working at McLean, who was a lot closer to retirement and gave me the best advice about how to invest in the employer-sponsored 403B. I should’ve been saving more aggressively starting at age 15 lol (when I had my first official job). I don’t see myself working past 65 but will have to save more aggressively here on out in order to ensure that I can maintain my lifestyle in retirement. Also, for many of us Gen X/Y/Z’ers, millennials and xennials, social security may not be an option for us to fall back on when it comes time for us to retire. We will have to diversify our portfolios with real estate, crypto currency, 401K/403Bs, stocks, etc. Thanks to my homie Michael for the gift of crypto and regular stock tips.

4) Dating gets harder the older you get. Know exactly what you’re looking for and be open. Plan for a marriage, not a wedding. As we get older, we get more set in our ways. The people we’re encountering on our journeys are also set in their ways, and carrying a ton of baggage to boot! The only way we’ll stand a chance out here in this new landscape (having to contend with perspectives from red pill, pink pill, manosphere, hypo/hypergamy and various other skewed view points), the only way any of us will survive these hunger games is to stand solid on what we want and need from our potential mates, having a realistic outlook on the lives we want to build while making sure we are bringing our best selves to the table. For my parents, finding love was important but what they prioritized was passing down legacy through family. Divorce isn’t an option for them because they see marriage as a duty, as a union joined together by God. I’ve always said that divorce isn’t an option for me either. I recognize that marriage is hard work and so I don’t take it lightly (probably why I’ve waited so long). I’ve never been the type to plan out what my dream wedding would look like. It’s the marriage I look forward to. Even the highs and the lows of it. Knowing you have your forever person to experience every minute of this life with is what excites me!