Back at it...

I’ve been striving to stay consistent with my writing but life has been life-ing, yet again. Seems to be a common theme these days. I thought after putting certain milestones behind me, I would have the time and energy to pour into all of my passions (which also include learning to play guitar and how to sew so I can repair/tailor my own clothing to my liking). That hasn’t been the case this past year. So much has happened. I’ve been waiting for the motivation and inspiration to get back in the saddle but have recently realized that there’s never going to be a right time. I just have to write…

Maybe one of these days I’ll go into more detail about what this past year has been like. For now, I’m feeling the urge to keep my focus in this post more singular: dating in my forties.

Depending on who you talk to, this can be a taboo subject. Mainly because it involves being vulnerable and open about the setbacks we all experience on our dating journeys. Most of my friends are either in their early to mid-forties to mid-fifties, all trying to navigate this rough terrain also known as dating with baggage. Let’s face it, we all have it and carry it both willingly and unconsciously into every relationship we explore. I’m an advocate for taking time for yourself to heal after every breakup. This can include lots of therapy, spending time alone to figure out where things went wrong/pouring into yourself, throwing yourself deep into work, finding hobbies, joining social groups, hanging out with friends and getting up underneath someone else (definitely don’t recommend but a guy I used to date said this worked for him smh).

I’ve been meeting a lot of divorcees. I often joke that most of my friends who married in their twenties are all now divorced. This is one of the reasons I’m still waiting. I only want to get married once. Not that it guarantees a successful marriage but I’m a firm believer that you need to know and fall in love with yourself before joining forces with another. You need to live more life, make mistakes, self correct and mature some more. I used to think marriage was a cake walk but the consensus is that it’s a lot of work and not for the faint of heart. Several years ago, when I was in a relationship that I thought would lead to marriage, a friend asked me “what makes you so sure that you are ready and have found the one?” I told her that it wasn’t so much about finding “the one” (I was on a kick for the longest to find my soulmate in my twenties). To me, it meant waking up everyday and recommitting myself to someone and choosing to do the work necessary to sustain our relationship. It wasn’t that he was special (we’re all special in God’s eyes), it was that I saw a foundation we could build on and grow it into something real and long lasting.

Now back to these gaggle of divorcees I’ve been running into this past year. I’ve never been opposed to dating anyone that was once married. Especially for my age demographic, folks have lived a lot of life, so I don’t think it’s fair to hold that against them. I do realize how important it is for someone who’s been married to take some time for themselves before jumping back into the dating scene. Not sure how much time it takes to truly heal from ending a marriage and I’m sure it’s all relative. Honestly, I wish there was a formula (i.e., if said individuals were married for 2 years, then it would take 6 months to heal/do their inner work before they’d be ready to move on). Like a buzzer on an oven sounding when the food is ready, with a 5 minute cooling period, signaling to us hopeful blokes that we may now approach without fear of getting burnt. That would be lovely, wouldn’t it? Even better, holding one of those digital thermometers up to someone’s head, with their temperature signaling whether they are ready or not. It would never be that easy.

Here’s what tends to happen. I come across the divorced guy and he’s waxing poetic about how he’s so ready for a long-term relationship and to be married again. He usually says he’s done all of his “inner work” (did Iyanla coin this term, hmph), learned lots of lessons, took time to heal and is now ready to find their person. When I ask them how they know they’re ready to move on to a serious relationship, I usually get along the lines of “I got it wrong the first time and now know what to do to get it right”, yada yada yada. Instead, the trend seems to be that they get with the next woman, usually with the best of intentions at first. Then a “trigger” sets things in the wrong direction and it’s a downward spiral from there. Now you’re being compared to the ex and it seems hopeless from that point on. I don’t think all are like this but when dating, some with this type of baggage are hard to reason with once they feel they’ve been slighted in a way that reminds them of their previous experience.

Why can’t we just clean the slate whenever we meet someone new? Give them the benefit of the doubt until they give us real reasons to doubt them? At least that’s what I try to do. I don’t claim to be perfect and yet I’m expected to be by the previously scorned individual. There are definitely some red flags that can’t be ignored and I’m mindful of what those are for me (and they may be different for everyone). I think what’s key is to notice the problematic behaviors and call them out, especially if you see a future with said person. Sometimes, it takes coming across people who will hold a mirror up to you and help you see what you can’t. We do and should do this for each other, especially when you care for someone. I extend the same grace I’d like to be given. However, it’s never fair to make anyone pay for the mistakes of the last one. It’s too emotionally draining and ultimately could cost you a really good thing.