Home "Sweet" Home

There’s something about being amongst the familiar that soothes the soul. Despite some of the strife you may recollect that came from some of the same sources. I can say this wholeheartedly because I’ve seen the glow my mom exudes just being back in her element, even when she’s in a sour mood and bedridden still. The “rehab” facility was sucking the life out of her and the care she was getting, despite the hefty price tag, was subpar and below the bare minimum. Hearing more of the stories about the things that transpired in her final days there, before she was released to come home, make me angry. Someone has to be held accountable for the things that happened but right now, all I can do is thank God for answering my prayers and making a way for her to finally come home. I was searching for a bright spot in all of this, in all that she has gone through and it came the night I arrived. She delivered my dad and I belly laughs that reverberated through the house. I couldn’t remember the last time we laughed together like that. I can’t recall the last time I heard my father laugh. Even though the laughter was at her expense, it normalized everything between us. My mom has a long road to recovery still but I am hopeful that with better care and being around loved ones who can access her more easily, her journey won’t be as arduous. I am here to put a real plan in place to ensure she can stay on track.

My visits are always bittersweet. I love being around my parents and a few of the family members who have their best interests at heart. It could be the loyal and stubborn Taurean bull in me but knowing how sweet and generous my parents have been, and still are to all of those in their orbit, anyone who has a problem with them has a problem with me by default. This includes immediate family. Sadly, those closest to us tend to hurt us the most. I’m trying to lessen my grip on the reigns and extend a little grace but it’s difficult. Some things are just too egregious to put into words and yet, my parents still have the capacity to forgive. I want to be more forgiving, without sacrificing my backbone and letting folks think that me extending grace means they can continue their bad behaviors. Remember Michelle Obama’s famous slogan, “when they go low, we go high” (I even have a sweatshirt with this saying on it that I have yet to wear)? After too many slights from folks and them crossing me and my loved ones, my slogan has been when they go low, I go scorched earth like Thanos. It usually doesn’t happen suddenly. It’s after numerous attempts at finding common ground until I reach my breaking point. We all have one and some of us arrive at it sooner than others.

In this phase of my life I’m tired of holding on to conflicts, especially ones that aren’t mine to carry. For my own well-being, I have to let stuff go. I don’t have the bandwidth to hold on to any grudges (except for those that are valid for good reason). I want to instead channel that energy where it matters. If I want to manifest more love in my life, I have to BE love. If I want grace and space extended to me, I too need to extend those things. I cannot attract that which I don’t foster fully and I need to do so in all areas of my life. To find a happy median, I can love even those select few people, just from afar. They don’t need to be in my immediate orbit, causing me and those around me harm. I can still send loving energy their way. As we get older, family becomes more and more important. After a heart to heart with a dear friend and colleague earlier in the week, her words still resound in my mind: “learn to pick and choose your battles”. You don’t have to hold on to all of the animosity. Letting it go leaves you feeling much lighter. There’s one relative that had recently disappointed me. I had vowed to never speak to them again. They didn’t realize I was in town (my parents are the only ones I typically tell that I’m coming) and when they came upon me, all they could do was cup my cheek in their hand, lovingly. And just like that, all the hurt they caused me melted away. It softened me immediately.

Sometimes that’s all it takes. One moment of vulnerability. I didn’t recoil and my voice softened. There’s something about having someone in your immediate personal space that can either feel threatening or disarming. I felt super vulnerable but not in a scared kind of way. I welcomed the moment even though not much was said. The apology I was hoping for never came. Regardless of that, there was a weight that lifted off of me and just like that I was finally able to go to sleep peacefully. Now that I’m awake, and working for a few hours before I can officially log off for the rest of my time here, I can reserve my energy for what truly matters. I have my marching orders for the day and formulating plans as I go along. My initial welcome home has laid the ground work for the rest of my time here. For once, I’m actually looking forward to what lies ahead in the days to come.