Can Love Grow Without Friendship?

As I’m gearing up to return to the hustle and bustle of city life, I’m trying to do an inventory of what my needs are for the upcoming week. Trying to set my intentions with the hope that writing my goals for this week down and seeing them in writing will motivate me to take action to accomplish them. This also helps so I don’t get too overwhelmed and can stay focused on what the priorities are. As I end my time away, I’m eager to get back on my grind, get back to normal. There is so much I have yet to do, so I’m planning ahead. The new year is right around the corner, and I’m trying to be proactive about all the things I want to accomplish before then. On December 31st, I want to be excited to enter into 2024, instead of feeling like there was so much I didn’t do.

I’m in a very reflective season of my life, where I’ve been going over all that I didn’t “get right”. I’ll admit, I am one to dwell on mistakes made, whether it be with my career, friendships, familial ties and romantic relationships. I’m extrapolating the lessons learned from my failures and striving to do better going forward. As it pertains to romance, there seems to be one thing I can’t seem to master, despite the universe repeating the same lesson to me over and over again. How do I build a strong foundation in a romantic relationship and what does that foundation consist of? Seems like I am constantly running into the same issue when it comes to building something lasting.

When it comes to my platonic relationships, I have clear boundaries. The closer we become as friend’s, the harder it is for me to pursue a romantic relationship when the opportunity presents itself. I’m very protective of all my close friendships, fearful of losing those genuine connections. I realize what I cherish about these connections is that I am able to show up as my authentic self, free of judgement and I’m accepted, flaws and all. Overtime, the ease with how love grows in those spaces seems seamless, so why is it hard for that to translate over to romantic relationships? In a previous post, I reflected on a transformative friendship I had decades ago. While I viewed him as family, he saw us as more and it was heart-breaking. There was definitely real love there but not of the romantic kind. When I look at all of my close friendships, there is genuine love but that love didn’t come overnight. It took lots of time and experiences to build. Lots of soul-sharing and heart-bearing. Friendships that were tried and tested. Us friends being there not just for the happy moments but for the devastating ones.

I’ve been looking at the last few dalliances I’ve had, trying to suss out what went wrong besides the obvious things (dishonesty, lack of healing from previous failed relationships and trauma, poor communication, indecisiveness and too much distance, literally and figuratively). I tried to identify what those relationships had in common. The conclusion I came to was that friendship wasn’t at the core. They always started out as whirlwind romances, just really hot. All-consuming and dream-like almost, and then they would fizzle out as quickly as they started when challenges presented themselves. It had me wondering that if we were genuinely friends first and grew to love each other, would we have given up on our relationship(s) so easily? What does it take to go the distance? It seems like my generation and the ones after it are fickle. Everyone is so quick to throw in the towel at the smallest sign of trouble. Why do we easily throw each other away? I have both male and female friends who have opted out of the dating scene. They are too jaded and are scared of being hurt, understandably so. I have my moments where I feel the same but I always come back to “if I was meant to be alone, why do I still desire relationship”.

I look to my parents relationship as a model of what marriage is supposed to be. They are going on 44 years of marriage and I’ve seen them go through it, mostly living out the “and in sickness” aspect of their vows. I think back to a time when I was a teenager and they had hit a rough patch. I remember telling my dad that if he decided to leave, I wouldn’t be mad at him. I wanted to see him happy. His response to me was that he took his vows seriously, so no matter how hard things were, he would never leave. I saw him being loving even in the toughest of times. He was unshakeable. It was a combination of his faith, agape love and friendship that sustained him when things got tough. My mother has been through it too. Both have been pushed beyond their limits and every time, they came out better than ever, more refined and stronger. They both have the patience and grace of saints. I’ve seen many iterations of their marriage take form. What remained constant was they were each other’s best friend.

So is that the solution then, to be each other’s friend first? Friends are more accepting of each others differences and flaws. They can have real conversations and can go deeper than deep. You both provide a safe space for the other to be vulnerable. There is a genuine acceptance of each other and loyalty, for the most part. When you’re just in the romance phase, both parties are trying to present the best versions of themselves. That eventually fades away, especially when life gets real. When the masks fall off, do you still like what you see? Why is it that “perfection” is the new standard? We don’t expect perfection from our friends but then expect it from the humans we’re romantically linked to? That doesn’t seem fair. If we were to handle all people that enter into our lives as potential friends, I think there’d be a lot more grace and acceptance all around. At least for me, I think it would make me a better partner. I’m fiercely protective of those I call friends, and I see an extension of that in potential partners. Unfortunately, that isn’t always reciprocated and then that creates an imbalance that can ultimately lead to the demise of something that could’ve been great.

There needs to be a baseline that we all start at and friendship should probably be that starting point. We keep rolling into new situations with old roadmaps that have proven not to work. I low-key wish I could reach out to all of my exes and have real conversations about what went wrong. I also would love the feedback so that I can try to get it right, next time. Some of it will be biased of course, mainly because folks have a tendency to make their perceptions their reality. You’re already setting up the other person to be the villain. However, how do we ever learn from our mistakes if we aren’t having real conversations? One of these days, I may muster up the gumption to do it. Maybe start off by sending out a Survey Monkey link to gage interest. Then, if I get yesses, follow-up with a zoom link for one-one-one chats. It might be a crazy idea, I don’t know. Maybe not…any ways, I need to get on with my day and get back to PA. Happy Sunday!