We Need Each Other

One thing I can say I have gleaned from all of the content I watched while I was sick was that we all need each other, despite our denial and what the “innanets” try to depict. I’m annoyed with this war against the sexes. Men throwing their masculinity around and women throwing around their femininity, battling out who is the more important asset in relationships. Both wearing these concepts like badges, Red pill, pink pill, hypogamy, hypergamy, misogyny and misandry. The constant tug of war between the two genders is exhausting to watch and listen to. For those of us who are sitting on the sidelines, taking it all in, it leads us to draw the conclusion that men and women don’t seem to like each other much, despite all the commentary about the other. Under all of the posturing, all I see is ego. No one wants to admit that we truly need each other and folks would rather let a good thing go and claim an empty victory than to admit that “nobody wins when the family feuds”.

I see all of these concepts play out in these dating streets. Armed with a new toolkit, I am more discerning as I rifle through profile after profile. There is a big difference between being confident and being cocky and/or a complete a-hole. Why don’t some men understand this? It’s almost like they want to offend you at the onset. I find myself critically combing through, looking for red flags. No more excusing away clear evidence of what could be categorized as narcissism. I’ve been in many conversations with women about their experiences as well. Everyone is quick to label men as narcisisst’s. I don’t deny that they could be narcs. However, if you’re not a psychiatrist who is referring to the DSM-5 to diagnose individuals, I would refrain from slapping that label on anyone so loosely. Let alone someone who you didn’t connect with, expressed disinterest, may have ghosted you or was just being a shitty person. I think what a lot of us women can say is that we see a whole lot of selfishness from these men. Many which lack self-awareness and have delusions of grandeur. Someone can lack integrity and have no social skills. It doesn’t make them a sociopath (another label I see being thrown around very loosely). There seems to be an excessive amount of men who just don’t get it. I’m sure men could say the same about some women out here but I wouldn’t know.

I am tip-toeing back into the battlefield, cautiously. I’m not entertaining any dates yet, mainly because I’ve been sick, the weather has been crummy and I’m honestly not in a real rush to meet anyone new yet. I am serious when I say that I am looking to build a foundation of friendship. No more tumbling into all-encompassing romances that’ll run the risk of fizzling out quickly. No more showing all of my cards while the other party plays games and manipulates. Not entertaining love-bombing because I have more than enough love in my life. I’m not thirsty or starving for it. We all can use more love in our lives, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t need it to the point where I will compromise my morals and good judgment to have it. Literally, I will have to hear the voice of God (cue in Moses and the burning bush) to get me to move quickly on anyone without the proper vetting. Especially now that I know my fertility status, I don’t have this biological clock ticking overhead and forcing me to act too hastily. If it’s meant to be it’ll be.

If I see another profile where a man is claiming that he “is the whole table”, I may run away screaming from these apps. Why is it that when a slogan goes viral and becomes trendy, folks glom on to it with a crypt keeper’s death grip? Can we please retire this notion in 2024? What’s so bad about admitting that both parties bring value to a relationship? What’s so hard about saying that we are both integral to the fabric of what could grow to be something beautiful? In that same breath, I’ll see the same men talking about going 50/50, not wanting gold diggers, and listing out what they are not going to do for a woman. And yet, these will be the same guys who put that they are CEOs, bosses and even putting in their inflated titles in their bios and descriptions. Is that supposed to be bait for the women you claim not to want? Make up your darn minds already! If you look up economic statistics and demographics in the U.S., especially amongst black men and women, it’s the women that are making real bank, especially when you look location-specific. Women are being coached to not lead with money to avoid emasculating the men. So which is it? They claim that they don’t want to be used for their “money” (let’s be honest, 90% of us are considered the working poor), so why lead with it? There are women who don’t care about that but some men lead with it because they know that’s all they have to offer. Just like some men could say that all certain women have to offer is what’s between their legs and/or their beauty. All of the messaging that’s being transmitted out there is so confusing and misleading.

Can all the a-holes, gold diggers, dishonest, emotionally unavailable and ill-intentioned people be put on an island somewhere to duke it out? Leave the rest of us who really want genuine love and relationship to work together and build. I wish there was such a filter on these apps so I could know who not to waste my effort on. I told my therapist a couple months ago that I want help fixing my picker, so I acknowledge that I am a work-in-progress. One thing I’ve come to realize about myself is that I was disillusioned at an early age. Blame it partly on the Disney fairy tales I was fed or the relationships I grew up watching unfold before my eyes. I really only have my parents and their generation to look up to as an example. Love for them was spiritual, it was dutiful and it was built on legacy. There is a selflessness to it that I’ve always admired. So much so that I took what I learned with me to into my relationships. I treated those relationships like I was living out marriage vows (i.e., “in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer”). Problem was, I was trying to give that to men who mostly didn’t have those same virtues, so what I was ready to fight for, they weren’t. They hadn’t earned that level of loyalty from me. While I am only looking for one good man, the men seem to operate like there’s so many women out there to pick from so they don’t mind a revolving door. I call cap on it though. Why would so many of them still be single if there are so many options for them out there? I am no longer fooled by that notion.

I had an acquaintance recently tell me that a mutual friend I used to talk to was asking for me. I asked her “why?” When he had access to me, he fumbled me. What point is there to ask about me now after all this time? She admitted that he questions whether I “was the one who got away”. I know women who would’ve heard that and it would’ve stroked their ego. They would’ve been quick to say “Ha! He realizes I was the bomb.com. Look at me now…(as they brush their shoulders off)” Instead, hearing that news made me sad. It made me sad because I was so optimistic about what we could’ve had but he was so awful that it only contributed to my jadedness at the time. And now, years later, to hear that he’s expressed regret only saddens me and annoys me lowkey. Why did we need to have that negative experience? I would’ve respected him more if he had simply said he wasn’t ready or was going in a different direction. Instead, he disappeared into thin air. He could’ve died for all I knew. There’s something jarring about sharing space and time with someone, then having them disappear without a trace. My trust was eroded and it only made me less likely to give the next guy a chance. Less likely to want to be vulnerable. There’s so many broken vessels roaming around and some may never be put back together right after being mishandled and mistreated. I’ve healed mostly from those experiences and grow hopeful for what’s to come but I think about the time wasted trying to put myself back together after every let down. It’s exhausting.

I say all of this to say that I am not ashamed to admit that I want connectedness. We all do. I just wish we’d stop fronting like we don’t want it. That’s a good starting point: being open to connecting deeply. When did it become cool to not “give a F#@%”? That slogan needs to be retired as well. Let’s remove our presence from those who would drop us like a bag of trash on the side of the road. The minute I start to feel expendable, I will remove myself. I still believe there are many people out here ready and willing to do the work. Like they say, the “grass is greener where you water it”. We are all prizes, not this one-sided notion that we need to compete for the affections of another because they are better than us. The same way I am willing show up for someone, I expect the same. To put a spiritual aspect on it, when I am down, I want someone to show up for me undoubtedly, and vice versa. When I am weak and I’m not able to lift my prayers up, who can be my voice? Who will be my advocate and my champion? I can emphatically ask for that because I know I can give it as well. I see this dynamic played out with my parents. My mother is in her difficult season now. I’ve seen her falter and give up. My father has been a beacon in her life. Seeing his strength keeps me going and shows me the meaning of unconditional love. Beauty fades, muscles can melt away, fortunes can be lost ten times over and health can decline. Long lasting love, friendship and duty shall remain. Real love heals and stands the test of time. If we could only be so lucky to taste a fraction of that undying and unwavering love, that is the ultimate prize.