Leaving the Effery in 2023

If you couldn’t already tell by the title, I am so ready to go home lol. I almost made it through my trip without any issues. The common stressors were there but none that were too unbearable to deal with. What I didn’t anticipate was the unpredictability of familial interactions gone awry. I was determined to be the calm in any brewing storms and to channel my inner mindfulness guru who shares profound reflections whenever situations start to go left. For most of my time visiting with family, I was that. That is, until days 3 and 4. Something about that third morning wasn’t feeling right, which should’ve been an indicator to walk away or to redirect my energy. I finally reached my boiling point and found myself drawing some hard lines in the sand.

This time, when folks went low, groveled in the mud and slung it, I went scorched earth. The difference between me and an “opponent” is while they may thrive on the adrenaline rush and the back and forth arguing, I leave the interactions feeling drained and disappointed that I allowed myself to stoop to their level and go toe to toe, tit for tat. I see red, which leaves me frustrated because I pride myself on keeping it together. There’s only a select few people (and by “select few”, I mean 2) on this earth who know which buttons to press to get me from 0 to 100. In those instances on this trip, I realized that there were concerted efforts to garner a negative reaction from me and to get me to dim my light.

What I have come to realize is just because someone is your kin does not mean they want to see you shine and thrive. What you may view as your attempts to pull all those around you up may be viewed with animosity. No one wants to be reminded that they aren’t producing or holding their share of the weight. I go out of my way not to point that out. Sometimes, when others see you simply “being” and “doing” in what they would consider a shorter timespan than it would normally take them to accomplish something, it breeds feelings of resentment. Sadly, some folks would rather no one benefit from your efforts than to be called out for not stepping up to the plate. I don’t harp and point out what others aren’t doing, I just show up and “do”. Even that can be seen as threatening. Have I sworn off visits to see my family after this? The short answer is “no”. However, like all other things I got going on, I have to be more intentional about how I spend time with those “select few”. Not all need to have full access to me.

Before I came to visit my family, I had set the intention that my time with them would be fun-filled, light and airy. The majority of my previous visits had been so emotionally taxing, strenuous and serious. It felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders each time I’d be in town. There has been an unhealthy dynamic that has existed for decades in my family: I have been dubbed the “responsible” one and because of that, all the family business and more serious duties fall to me to handle. I am the one you go to when you have to offload your burdens, even when I’m not in the position mentally, emotionally and physically to receive them. Every time I would come home, I had to be 4 different people, having to compartmentalize who I was depending on who I was with (friends, parents, siblings, nieces/nephews and/or a significant other). I had to play a different role for each, having to sometimes hide the sad and frustrated parts of me because I didn’t want to do to anyone what was done to me. Well, that wasn’t sustainable and my needs were constantly going unmet.

I cannot continue to maintain this level of dysfunction. How do you not crack under the weight of it all? While I’m running around, trying to solve everyone else’s problems, playing mediator for situations that have nothing to do with me, I am reminded that I don’t have someone to be that for me. I wasn’t able to meet everyone’s needs on their timelines (given that I am only around for 5 days), and I remember having one relative say “I thought you came here to help me out?”, not taking into consideration all that I have had to deal with. I haven’t had a moments rest since arriving. I went on a mini rant (provoked by the stresses I had to deal with since arriving), and had to let it be known that I cannot break myself into a million pieces to be everything for everyone. This role I have been cast to play in the family dynamic isn’t sustainable. Also, just because I have been cast in it doesn’t mean I need to play the role. Unfortunately, my saying “no” and preserving myself from time to time is viewed more harshly than those who don’t step up at all. The disparities are glaring.

There are 3 days left in the year and I am determined to leave all that didn’t serve me or meant me no good in the yesteryear. No more setting myself on fire to keep others warm. No more running myself into the ground when my body and soul is calling for rest. Gone are the days where I take time off, only to turn around and do more labor. No more “keeping that same energy” with those whose goal is to bring me down. I got a text last night from a friend back in PA who I don’t hear from often. When I do hear from him, it’s always to check in on me to see if I’m doing okay. I have a friend here who plays that role as well. She texted me around the same time. Both their messages were timely and encouraging. The one thing I realized is that both of them play similar roles in their families so they see and sense it in others. I embark on my journey back home soon and look forward to being back in my element. I cannot wait for real R&R to begin.