Honor Thy Self

We live in an era where the race to the finish line, and skipping critical steps along the way, is what’s the norm. Everyone is so focused on actualizing their visions that they neglect the importance of the execution. The majority of us are operating under the guidelines of a microwave society, losing patience with building the basic tenets required to form lasting connections that will stand the test of time. Over the years, millennials have caught a bad rap for being way too entitled to things that normally would require effort and hard work to attain and retain. You can apply this to career, relationships and all the things older generations have been told that they need to put in sweat equity for. From where I sit, I don’t think they’re the only generation guilty of these lofty expectations, especially as it pertains to companionship and romantic relationships. Most are guilty of wanting to get to their destinations quickly.

My close friendships have stood the test of time. They took years to grow, mold and foster. I can honestly say they are prospering. I can confidently say I know who is in my corner and when asked who I rock with, I can emphatically name each and every person I would drop everything and run for, if needed. That number tends to get smaller and smaller over time though. Not because there is bad blood but mostly because of the natural shifts that occur in life. Our priorities change and we have less access to folks we thought we’d be around forever. At least that’s how I’ve always viewed all of my relationships. I don’t envision us ending, ever. So when the disconnects happen, they feel like deaths, even though we are all still living. I am trying to hold on to those connections, both old and new, doing the best I can not to let people slip through my fingers as I navigate the ups and downs of life.

While doing so, I am taking stock in what truly matters, all the while trying not to lose myself along the away. I am extending grace and space to all but sometimes when doing that, you may allow behaviors that are not conducive to maintaining healthy connections. I’m currently in a “boomerang” era: old connections that had fallen off at some point for whatever reasons, circling back. One example in particular, is someone I used to talk to some years back. I was out and about one evening with friends recently and this person messaged me the following day to say they had seen me. I couldn’t remember who they were since I didn’t have their number saved in my phone, which indicated I didn’t know them long. After we went back and forth via text and he rejogged my memory, I finally remembered. He wasn’t someone I had met in person yet and I couldn’t exactly remember why we stopped talking. In any case, we started chatting right before my trip and picked back up when I returned. It was great conversation for the most part but I slowly started to realize why we lost touch the first time.

I am really big on "your word is your bond” and intentionality. I find that people think that you’re supposed to take them at their word, even when they don’t put any action behind it. The lack of consistency irritates me. It confuses me when folks offer guarantees they know they don’t intend to keep. What’s even more annoying is that I don’t even demand anything of them, they’re the ones offering up and making promises. I’ve been in my lane, minding my business, trying to stay afloat in this thing called life. If it’s not family (which includes close friends), or work, or school, it’s me trying to be the best version of myself. Working out, eating right and staying mentally sound have been the bulk of my priorities. Fostering genuine connections and relationships are important to me. I strive to love up on my people and to continue to find my tribe. Even though I cross paths with lots of lovely people, I am focused on the quality of the connections instead of the quantity. Quantity is where you get caught up.

I’ve been toying with the idea of letting the lost connection that boomeranged back know that we should either severe ties altogether (since he has expressed romantic interest and I don’t want to waste our time) or not pursue anything beyond networking for professional reasons. No more leaving the door open for folks to feel welcomed back, while they treat it like a revolving door despite the distance and time apart. No more accepting bare minimum behavior and normalizing low effort. If they’re going to come back, they have to come correct or not at all. I think back to the last conversation we had. I made it clear that I am intentionally dating but that I’m not desperate. Meaning, if I don’t meet “the one”, I will never settle. I have always believed that what God has for me will be for me. I don’t have to chase anyone down or convince them of my worth. They will see it because I will exude worthiness and value in all that I do and in how I carry myself. What’s that saying, “he who FINDS a wife, finds a good thing” (Proverbs 18:22). Where does it say I have to chase anyone? Those that know, know. I’m in the season of matching energy and if energy isn’t reciprocated, that is an indication to move on. Like my elders say, “there is a lid for every pot”.

There’s another saying that I remind myself of: “What you compromise to get, you must compromise to keep”. I was thinking about the loving relationships and marriages I’ve seen in my orbit. All of my co-workers seem to have it with their spouses. Aside from them, I know of 1 or 2 relationships that seem to be prospering. There are those that I do see that would be better off separated. Why? Because they are compromising themselves (not to be confused with meeting half-way). You ever see someone that looks miserable in their relationship? It’s the absolute worst thing to witness. Some folks are holding on to toxic relationships with a death grip because they have years in and too much skin in the game to walk away. Nothing ages a woman more than a high stress, not secure environment. It can have the same effect on a man, too. I am like all of those men who tout that they’re looking for a woman to be his peace. I want that too, shoot! There’s nothing better than sleeping soundly beside someone who contributes to maintaining that harmony. To the men, don’t you see a difference in your woman when you provide a peaceful and secure (emotionally, mentally and physically) environment? One where she feels assured in her position in your life and she’s being loved right? She would give you the world! Believe that!